Friday, April 27, 2012
My friend, Craig, was having a drink with a mutual friend at a restaurant/bar. I'm going to call this other guy Dufus Dipstick, for reasons that will soon become obvious. Craig and Dufus are sitting in the lounge area of the bar, and Craig notices that an attractive blonde woman is looking at him. He smiles at her, and she smiles back. So he does the friendly, manly thing and walks over to say hello to her.
Her name is Susan, and she and Craig start having an animated conversation. The vibes are good. Craig includes Susan's friend in the conversation, and he finds out the friend is a teacher, just like Dufus. So Craig invites Dufus over to join the conversation.
What does Dufus do? Instead of talking with the teacher, he tries to chat up Susan. WTF? thinks Craig. Why is he talking to Susan? That's not how this whole "talking to women in a bar" thing works. Craig is supposed to talk to Susan, since there's obviously a real attraction there, and Dufus is supposed to talk to Susan's friend, since the two of them have something in common.
But no, Dufus doesn't pay hardly any attention to Susan's friend, and that ruins the whole dynamic. After Craig and Dufus leave the bar (without getting any phone numbers, because the vibe was gone by then), Craig turns to Dufus and says, "What's the matter with you? That woman was really interested in you, and you hardly talked to her."
"No she wasn't," replied Dufus.
"Of course she was," said Craig. "She wanted to talk to you about teaching, and you ignored her. You could have left with her phone number."
"She wasn't interested in me at all," said Dufus. And there was nothing Craig could say to convince him otherwise. Dufus didn't see it because he didn't believe it.
That incident is a perfect example of Babe Magnet Rule #1 from my book (Confessions of a Middle-Aged Babe Magnet by Chad Stone): To be a Babe Magnet, you must believe you are a Babe Magnet. Dufus is going to continue to travel through life single, without the companionship of a compatible woman, because he doesn't believe that women are interested in him. Craig, on the other hand, fully believes that women are attracted to him, and his experience reinforces that belief.
If only Craig could convince Dufus that there's a perfect woman waiting for him (Dufus), then Dufus would soon experience that reality. But there's no way to change someone else's mind unless they are willing to change.
Dufus, like so many of us, has it backwards. He thinks, "I'll believe it when I see it." Instead, he should work on believing it--then he'll see it. That's the way that dating--and life--works.
In future posts I'll cover more of the Babe Magnet Rules from Confessions of a Middle-Aged Babe Magnet.
Thanks for reading, and tell a friend!
Monday, April 16, 2012
One of the things about dating that we have very little control over is timing. When you meet someone who seems like the perfect romantic partner for you, are you at a point in your life when you ready for him? When he meets you, is he ready to begin a new relationship?
Determining whether you are both ready to begin a relationship is one of the most important things to discover during the first few dates.
When Ralph met Candace, he was quite sure that HE was ready. He had been divorced for three years, and he had done quite a bit of dating. He had sowed a few wild oats, and he was ready to settle down.
Ralph was instantly attracted to Candace and she seemed to share his feelings. He saw in Candace everything he wanted in a mate—kindness, a successful career, physical beauty and common interests. But she spent most of their first date telling him the details of her divorce.
Candace and her ex-husband had been devastated by the death of their only child, and their marriage was on the rocks. At her suggestion, they started going to meetings at a local spiritual center. As it turned out, she didn’t care for it, but he embraced it. He started attending the meetings regularly, and then he started meditating. He stopped drinking. “We were getting along better than we had in years,” she said.
Then he took her completely by surprise when he announced that he wanted a divorce. “I laughed out loud because I thought he was kidding,” she said. But he was serious.
Before the end of their first date together, Ralph had the “aha” moment: Candace wasn’t ready for a relationship with him. She wasn’t ready for a relationship with ANYONE. She was still heartbroken, and she needed more time to heal.
Chances are that you’ve also had an “aha” moment during a date when you knew that the person on the other side of the table wasn’t going to be the one you’ve been looking for. The sooner you can find that out, the better. Ralph counts himself lucky for finding it out on date one with Candace.
When a man isn’t ready to commit to a relationship, he will be hard to pin down. When you ask him direct questions about things like his schedule or his goals for the future, he will respond with vague answers or deftly change the subject.
One of the big mistakes that women make is trying to coax men into discussions about relationships and commitment. These are important topics, and women want to talk about them. Men, however, would rather volunteer for a root canal.
Here’s the key, ladies: Men only commit when they think it’s THEIR IDEA. Yes, you can express how important a committed relationship is to you, and how you like to shower your man with love and adoration when you feel the safety and security that a long-term relationship offers. But if you push too hard and too soon for a commitment, he will run away like a man fleeing from a burning dynamite factory.
So maybe the question isn’t, “Is he ready for a relationship?” Maybe the real question is, “Can you wait until he is ready for a relationship?” If you can’t, then you might be happier if you moved on.
If you're ready to read something about the lighter side of dating, have a look at my new book, Confessions of a Middle-Aged Babe Magnet by Chad Stone. It's available from amazon.com.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Back when I was newly single and just getting back into dating, I noticed that some of my single friends talked about dating as if it were a major chore. To them, going on a first date was much like going to a meeting that you’d rather not attend.
In other words, dating sounded like work.
Wait a minute, I thought. Isn’t dating supposed to be FUN? Isn’t the search for a new girlfriend (or boyfriend) supposed to be exciting? Isn’t finding the love of your life worthy of some excitement?
Maybe that’s what’s wrong with dating for too many single adults. And maybe, just maybe, that’s why they are unsuccessful at dating. They can’t find that special someone because they aren’t having fun during the search. Maybe their bad vibes are actually keeping Mr. Wonderful (or Ms. Fabulous) away.
Ladies, let me give you some friendly advice about men. We’re not all serious all of the time. Sure, we work hard at our jobs and we take our jobs seriously. But we like to have fun, too. And most of us single men go out on dates to have fun and meet lovely new women. Dates aren’t supposed to feel like work.
When we meet a sad, dour-faced woman for a date, we are not amused. We don’t go out looking for a bad time. No man ever wrote, “For a bad time call 555-1369” on a bathroom wall. Women who don’t know how to enjoy themselves don’t get asked out for a second date. If you’ve ever wondered why he didn’t call you again after your first date, maybe it’s because you weren’t any fun to be with.
Men, the same thing goes for you. If you show up for a date looking like you’d rather be somewhere else, the lovely lady you are with will not be impressed with you. If you can’t brighten her mood with an inviting smile and a good sense of humor, then you aren’t making a good impression. Women aren’t looking for a bad time, either.
So what’s the answer? Lighten up! When I began my dating adventure, I promised myself that I would have fun. In my book, Confessions of a Middle-Aged Babe Magnet, available from amazon.com, I describe my journey—and I am (mostly) having a good time during the dating phase of my life. For me, meeting new women was fun and energizing.
Of course, when I went out with a woman who was too nervous to enjoy herself, or in a bad mood, or not completely over her last breakup, it wasn’t much fun. So I moved on.
Can dating success really come down to one simple thing—fun? Maybe. Not having the “fun factor” was a deal-breaker for me. A woman who didn’t seem to enjoy herself did not get a call-back from me.
So if you’re stuck in a dating rut and you can’t seem to find the next love of your life, just relax and decide to enjoy the process. Take all the pressure off. Lighten up and have a little fun.
It might make all the difference.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Sometimes women need a glimpse into the mind of a typical man. Otherwise, the typical woman has no clue what's bouncing around inside a man's head.
So, in the interest of enhancing communications between the sexes--and because I thought this list was both true and funny, I present this list of 10 Things a Guy Will Never Ask About a Power Tool:
1. How does it work?
2. Why do I need it?
3. Is protective eyewear needed?
4. Are there instructions?
5. Can I use it to open a bottle? (Guys will assume it will.)
6. Can I save money by renting it?
7. Is it dangerous?
8. Is there a smaller, less powerful option?
9. Is it available in seafoam green?
10. Does it make my butt look big?
That's all for today. Chad Stone, author of Confessions of a Middle-Aged Babe Magnet, signing off.