Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Sometimes it seems that men and women are speaking different languages. And, in a way, they are. According to John Gray in his most recent book, Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice, men are naturally motivated to communicate in ways that will lower stress in men. But men have no clue that this same style of communication may increase a woman’s stress level.
When a woman communicates, she is looking for a warm, supportive response. When she “shares” her concerns about a person or situation, she wants to be heard. Unfortunately, what a man hears is a problem—and his natural situation is to look for a solution or a way to dismiss the problem. That’s the way men are hardwired.
So he thinks he is being helpful when he expresses an opinion or offers a solution. She feels he’s either being cold and heartless or he simply isn’t hearing what she is saying.
Here are examples from John Gray of what NOT to say to a woman because it sounds dismissive:
Don’t worry about it.
Here’s what you should do…
Just let it go.
It’s not that important.
That’s not what he means.
Don’t get so upset.
Don’t let them get to you like that.
It’s simple, just say…
All you have to do is…
It’s not such a big deal.
You shouldn’t feel that way.
Men mean for these short comments to be supportive. But women are likely to feel like they are insulting and perhaps condescending.
Instead of jumping in with a “fix-it” comment, try listening. Make reassuring and sympathetic comments. Use supporting comments such as “Tell me more” and “how did that make you feel?” Unless there’s an emergency and there’s water leaking all over the bathroom (or something equally as urgent), she doesn’t want you to fix her problem right now. She just wants to be heard.
To find out How NOT to Talk to a Man, read my most recent blog posting on www.datingwithoutdrama.com.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I am delighted to share this good news: yours truly, Chad Stone, the Middle-Aged Babe Magnet, is the newest blogger on a great website called Dating Without Drama.
I have been asked to write about dating from the perspective of someone who has succeeded in finding the love of his life. In fact, that's what my first post is about. You can read it by clicking here.
Right now my first post is featured on the homepage under the title Eye on the Prize: A Dating Success Story. In the future, when my most recent post isn't on the home page, you can get to it by clicking on Advice for Men in the top navigation bar.
I will be posting regularly on www.datingwithoutdrama.com as well as here on this blog. The postings will be different, so be sure to check out both sites.
I will continue to write about the humorous side of dating and relationships, and offer some real-world advice along the way. As always, I would love to hear from you. Send me your questions and your own dating and relationship stories so I can share them and add my comments.
Thanks for reading!
Middle-Aged Babe Magnet