Ahhhh, a new romance!

My friend, Craig, is a true middle-aged babe magnet, and he loves every minute of it. He loves to be admired by women. He has also been suffering from a broken heart, so he has deliberately been an elusive dating target. He hasn't wanted to become involved with a woman, so he's been casually dating for quite a while. To his credit, he has been basically celibate during this time, because he is self-aware enough to know that he hasn't been emotionally available.

But all of that has changed. Now he is smitten for the first time in three years.

He freely admits to being smitten. And, ironically, he's not entirely happy about it. He doesn't like being the one who cares whether she calls him back. He doesn't like being the one who is getting butterflies and spikes in his pulse rate. He doesn't like being the one who is distracted by amorous thoughts. He has a business to run, dammit!

I am thoroughly enjoying Craig's predicament. It's fun to watch him get flustered, It's fun to give him dating advice when he acts like a lovestruck dweeb. (More on this in a future post.) We've all been captured by the promise of new love. We've all been there and done that.

Basically, my advice to Craig is: enjoy it! Enjoy that delicious feeling of not being in total control. Get out of your "male brain" and go with the flow. Love is a ride down a rushing river. At this stage, just enjoy the ride!

Where Are All the Good Men/Women?

How many times have you heard this: "Where are all the good men (women)?" The answer is simple: everywhere.

One of the best pieces of dating advice I ever received was that I should go out and do what I like to do. I would meet a wonderful woman who was doing the same thing, and we would have at least one thing in common. This works, based upon the personal experiences of many friends.

That's not exactly the way it worked for me. I went down the cyber pathway. I joined an online dating site. Yep, I met my fiancee on match.com.

According to a 2006 report by the Pew Research Center, 26% of Americans know someone who has found a date online. Today's figure is probably quite a bit higher.

There are now more than 800 dating web sites from which to choose. Match.com is probably the best known, because that's the site that started it all. But Yahoo Personals actually has more participants. You can join Beliefnet.com, SoulMatch.com, WealthyMen.com, blacksingles.com, christianmingle.com, jdate.com (for Jewish singles), cougarwomen.net, starmatch.com (I'm a Libra!), and hundreds more. At any moment there will be BowlingSingles.com and LeftHandedPingPongSingles.com.

My point is simply this: there is not shortage of ways to meet someone. Just make up your mind that you are going to meet the perfect person for you, and get out there (either literally or online). Don't be one of those people whose relationship is with the excuse that the right person isn't out there.

End of my sermon. What do you think?

Save as Draft book review

I recently received a review copy of Save as Draft, a delightful new novel by Cavanaugh Lee that traces the thoroughly modern dating and relationship life of Izabell, a wactress (waitress/actress) turned lawyer. The “hook” of this book is that it is comprised entirely of the texts, emails and tweets that Izabell and her friends send and receive.

The story begins with the eHarmony messages that Izabell receives about Martin (her “Match #6”) and Martin receives about Izabell (his “Match #137”). Alas, their promising romance will not immediately blossom, primarily because of Izabell’s growing fascination with her co-worker, Peter.

The telling of this story through emails and texts is both brilliant and frustrating. We all know that emails (and especially texts) have their pitfalls. Sure, they are instantaneous, but they lack the voice inflections of telephone calls and the context-rich nonverbal cues of face-to-face conversations. Because of this, Save as Draft is chatty and superficial. The characters hope, dream and fall in and out of love, but we (the readers) only get glimpses of their internal agonies and ecstasies.

The brilliance of the novel is in the emails that the characters write to each other but do not send. (These are “saved as draft,” which is where the title of the book is derived.) These unsent emails are the heartfelt communications that the characters SHOULD be sending. When Peter is falling for Izabell, he writes several “I love you” emails that he never sends. I wanted to slap him upside the head. Send the damn emails, you weenie! You’re not going to get the girl if she doesn’t know how you feel about her!

Save as Draft is a witty, well-written novel that provides valuable insight to the joys and pitfalls of dating in the internet age. It also serves as a warning for those of us who might rely too heavily on electronic forms of communication. In the humble opinion of this Middle-Aged Babe Magnet, texts and emails are best used as bridges between actual conversations. It’s too easy to misinterpret the sterile words on a computer screen or smart phone. That’s why emoticons and text shorthand (lol, omg) were developed to add meaning and emotion to cold, typed words.

I happen to be a big fan of technology. I am, after all, posting this on a blog—and I met my fiancée on match.com. I have first-hand knowledge of the value of using technology in dating and communicating. But when I have something important to say to my beloved, I want to gaze right into her beautiful eyes.

The Myth of the Noncommittal Male

Answer this question: are men or women less likely to commit to a long-term relationship?

You said men, didn't you?

That's the prevailing wisdom, but that's not necessarily correct. According to what TIME magazine calls "the biggest study of single people, ever," single men are just as likely to want to get married as single women.

Shocking, huh?

Not if you understand men. Yes, sometimes they can be flakey, elusive and hard to pin down. But once a man falls for a woman, he REALLY falls. And that's when a man is MORE LIKELY to want to commit to a long-term relationship than a woman.

The aforementioned study surveyed 5,200 people ages 21 to 65+ to find out why people commit to marriage-- and why they don't. The study was funded by match.com and carried out by independent researchers. The findings showed that men were more likely to want to get married when they were younger (in the 21-24 years-old range) and when they were older (about 55 to 65). In between, women were more likely to say they wanted to get married. But throughout the entire 21-65 years curve, the difference between men's and women's desires for marriage weren't all that different.

Other interesting info from this study:

-- More than half the single men ages 21 to 35 wanted kids, while only 46% of women did.

-- Women seem to value their independence more than men. For example, 66% of women in a relationship have their own bank account, while only 47% of men do.

-- Women are pickier about whom they date than men are. 83% of men are flexible about the religious beliefs of their dates, while 62% of women are.

Is the 21 century really a brave new world for dating and commitments? Perhaps. Our post-modern society has given women lots of options besides marriage. Many women are opting for the career life rather than the "mom and wife" life. And there's nothing wrong with either choice.

So ladies, if you think that men are all a bunch of jerks who run away from any sign of a long-term committed relationship, please think again. Don't paint us all with the same brush. Some of us are just fine with making commitments-- including saying goodbye to dating and "I do" to marriage.

Dating Success Story!

Good news, fellow daters. I am now a dating success story. My wonderful girlfriend (who I met on match.com) has agreed to marry me! So you can now call me a dating success story.

Consequently, I am now going to change the focus of this blog. I am going to share some insights on the dating process. I am going to share what worked for me--and what has worked for others. I am going to explore the adventure of middle-aged dating from the perspective of how to succeed.

My goal in dating (online or otherwise) was always to find the love of my life. I assume that your goal is also to find the love of your life. So feel free to ask questions. Feel free to make comments. I will try to pass along my dating wisdom, my relationship advice, and whatever words of encouragement that I can provide. Not that I know everything. But I have learned a few things about male-female relationships, and I'm a very good listener.

Remember always that life is an adventure. There is humor to be found throughout our adventures. Just keep your eyes open, your heart open, and look for the best in people. If you look for love, you will find it.

A Middle-Aged Babe Magnet Apology

I have been informed by a woman whose opinion I value greatly that my last post sucked. She said it was crass and an insult to women. She was offended by it.

OK. I have my Big Boy Boxers on and I can take a little criticism. I freely admit that the last post was deliberately over the top. I went over the line in an attempt to be funny. I included material that wasn’t true because it was meant as a joke. As I have learned over the years, funny is often in the eyes of the beholder.

Sometimes it comes back to bite you in the butt. Like now.

This is, by the way, why I would never make it as a politician. It wouldn’t take long for me to put my foot in my mouth and cause a scandal of global proportions.

So let’s take a moment to review the last post. The part about me receiving an email from eHarmony? It was a total fabrication. I repeated the text of a forwarded email that I received. I thought it was funny, in a crass, over-the-top, juvenile male way.

Women do not share this sense of humor. Consequently, I won’t be including any more of it in this blog.

Men, if you want to read sexually explicit jokes, you’re just going to have to go somewhere else. Sorry.

I was also “called on the carpet” for suggesting that online dating was for losers. (Actually, I quoted a female friend who told me that SHE THOUGHT online dating was for losers.)

Well, I don’t agree with her. As I said earlier, if she’s right then I’M A LOSER, TOO. She is entitled to her opinion, but I happen to think that online dating is a wonderful resource. What a great way to quickly peruse profiles of dozens of local single people in your local area. When used intelligently, online dating sites are a great way to get to know people you might not otherwise ever meet. Online dating is fabulous invention, and I have used it successfully myself.

And, no, I do not really think that women who use online dating sites are “loose.” That was also an attempt at a joke.

So, ladies, please do not be any more offended than you need to be. I meant it all in fun. I know that dating is tough enough without having to deal with male a-holes, but sometimes we (including me) just can’t help ourselves.

Hey, did you hear the one about the priest and the blind prostitute?

Oh, wait. Nevermind.

Going for that first kiss

A middle-aged friend of mine named Roscoe has been out with a woman twice. He hasn't kissed her yet, and he asked me for some advice.

It's kind of funny that middle-aged people would have any questions at all about kissing. We've been kissing our whole lives. Ah, but that first kiss with somone new. It's still an exciting moment-- I don't care how old you are.

So Roscoe asked me, should he ask her permission to kiss her, or should he just go ahead and move in for that first kiss when the time is right. It's a good question.

Most of the women I've talked to about this have said something like this: "I like it when a man makes the move. He doesn't need to ask me for permission. When I am ready for him to kiss me, I am giving him permission with my body language and my eyes. He should know it's time to move in for the kiss."

Plus, there is something romantic about a man taking the initiative that women like. Sure, we're all uber-enlightened and liberated in the gender-equal 21st century. But many of our dating rituals are just plain old-fashioned-- and men and women both seem to like it that way.

My advice to Roscoe was, "Watch for the signals. Let your body language communicate your interest, and when you get the same signals from her, go ahead and kiss her.

Hey, does anyone out there have a great "first kiss" story?