Dating After 40: Why Do Men Want Younger Women?

One of the most common dating after 40 questions I am asked by women goes something like this: “Why are so many men who are dating after 40 looking for younger women? What’s up with a 60 year-old-man who clearly wants to date a 40-year-old woman?”

Well, why is it that so many men who are dating after 40 clearly want younger women? Or do we hear a lot about the over-40 single men who want younger women, even though the majority of men are happy to date women in their own age group. Which is it?

There’s no question that some older men do want to date younger women. One reason is simply because they can. Our society has long accepted the idea of an older man dating a younger woman. If a 45-year-old man can get a 30-year-old woman to go out with him, why shouldn’t he? Unfortunately, though, the tables are rarely turned. Society has not embraced the idea of an older woman going out with a younger man. When a 50-something woman does go out with a 30-something man, for example, we call that woman a “cougar.” And the term “cougar” isn’t usually meant to be a compliment.
 
So if society allows a man to date a younger woman, what’s the age difference that’s acceptable? Is it OK for a 60-year-old man to date a 40-year-old woman? How about a 65-year-old man dating a 40-year-old woman? That’s 25 year difference in their ages. How about a 30-year difference in age? Where does a single person draw the line? Or as one woman commented, “It bothers me when I see a man who’s in his 60s going after a woman in her 30s. What does that mean for me, at 53? Does that mean I have to date men who are 75 and older?”

I hope not. That would really suck, wouldn’t it?

 

I don't know, Heff. How many blondes DOES it take to change a diaper? I'm thinking-- three.
 

Let’s face it—getting older is no picnic for either gender. A typical man has concerns about his virility, while the typical woman tends to be concerned with her physical beauty. Many men who are afraid that they are getting older (as in “past their prime”) try to recapture the feeling of virility that they had as young men by dating a younger woman. Dating a younger woman makes them feel younger, and that often will give a man an extra shot of energy—and dare I say, testosterone.
 
But speaking as both a man and the Middle-Aged Babe Magnet, I can tell you that there are plenty of problems with dating a younger woman. For one thing, there’s the lack of common cultural experience. If the first band you fell in love with is the Beatles, and you remember their Ed Sullivan Show appearances in 1964, then you’re not going to have that in common with a younger woman who first got excited about Duran Duran (“the band so nice they named it twice”). You’re probably not going to like the same movies. The list goes on and on.
 
Another huge challenge in dating someone who is significantly older or younger than you are has to do with kids. Let’s say you’ve got older kids who are all out of the house—in college or even into their adult lives. Then you start seeing someone whose kids are still in elementary school. That’s a huge difference in your family situations. And anytime you date someone with kids living in the home it changes the dynamics of the dating situation.
 
So whether you’re a man dating younger women or a woman dating younger men, you’ve got to deal with a lot of age-related challenges.

That’s why, in my humble experience and in my own personal research, I’ve found it much more likely that long-term relationships blossom when the two people are close enough in age to have a common bond of mutual experiences. Being at roughly the same stage of life and coming from the same cultural experiences is a huge factor in finding mutual compatibility.

So, gentlemen, go ahead and date a few young babes if you need to get it out of your system. But I’ll bet you five bucks that the woman you choose for a long-term relationship is closer to your own age.

For more on this topic—and just about everything else concerning dating and relationships, read The Babe Magnet Rules of Dating Over 50: 101 Tips for Meeting, Winning & Keeping a New Love by yours truly, Chad Stone.

 

 

Five Ways Women Kill Relationships

In a previous post here on Middle-Aged Babe Magnet, I talked about the Five Ways Men Kill Relationships. It’s only fair that I talk about some of the behaviors that women use to chase men away. So this time we cover the five ways that women kill relationships.

Women believe that they’re better at relationships than men are. And they’re probably right. Men can be clueless and self-centered. But women can also fail in the relationship department. Women bring a complexity to the lives of men, and sometimes men just can’t handle it.

Some of the ways that women mess up relationships can be described as personality types. So here are the behaviors of five personality types that women use to kill relationships.

1.       Ms. Bossy Pants

Dating is complicated for the modern woman. Most women have jobs, and many have high-paying careers. These women are used to being not only independent—but in charge. They’ve amped up their masculine energy to succeed in the working world, only to find out that this hard-charging energy makes dating and relationships more difficult. Why? Because the process of dating and developing relationships is VERY old-fashioned. The man demonstrates his masculine energy by being the instigator. He makes the first move, he plans dates, and he basically tries to impress the woman. The woman, on the other hand, needs to relax in her role of being the prize that the man is trying to win.
 



There is nothing like a bossy woman to get a man all warm inside. Right, guys?

When a modern career woman, who I will call Ms. Bossy Pants, enters a new relationship, one of the most difficult things for her is to let the man take the lead. She’s so used to handling things on her own—or even telling people what to do, that she can’t help but make suggestions about how a date should go. He picks a nice restaurant, and she says, “Well, the new Asian Bistro is really quite fabulous. Wouldn’t you really rather go there?” Ms. Bossy Pants has to learn how to wear a dress and let the man be in charge. Otherwise, the only men she will attract are wimpy guys to will put up with all of the bossing.

2.       The Wedding Planner

There are two basic ways of moving too fast in a relationship. For men, it’s trying to get sex too quickly. For women, it’s picking out the wedding invitation design after two dates. Both of these types of moving too fast can kill a relationship.

You casually mention the "M word" during an early date, and this is what he pictures.

 

Healthy relationships usually progress in a natural, comfortable way. A relationship works best when both parties are moving along at the same speed. But if one is way ahead of the other, there’s bound to be some friction. If it’s the woman who is already wedding planning before he’s committed, then he is going to behave like a man and run like hell. I think the majority of cases of men bailing from relationships has to do with women who are planning for a lifetime of bliss when the guy can’t plan past Friday.

3.       Ms. Gold Digger

Yes, ladies, even in the 21^st century there are women who are in it for the money. Remember Anna Nicole Smith (the former Playboy Playmate) who married that 187-year-old billionaire oil tycoon? Do you really think she fell madly in love with him? Me neither. Anna Nicole was the ultimate Ms. Gold Digger.

What do you REALLY want from a relationship?

Most women are not simply after a man’s money. But men are still sensitive to the fact that some women are impressed by fancy cars, jewelry and big houses. So when a woman even hints at being interested in a man for his money, his warning sirens go off. This works both ways, too. When a man starts acting like his girlfriend is going to be his Sugar Momma, she’s going to give him a swift kick out the door.
 

4.       The Man Fixer

There’s an old saying about how men and women approach finding a mate. A man meets a woman and says, “She’s perfect. I hope she never changes.” A woman meets a man and says, “He needs a lot  

She's thinking: "This guy has potential. I can really turn him into someone nice." 

of work, but I can whip him into shape.” A woman who behaves as a Man Fixer loves the challenge of rehabbing a man who has lots of potential. Like a contractor who can turn an ugly, dilapidated house into a neighborhood treasure, The Man Fixer rolls up her sleeves and gets right to work. Lots of men are happy to make small changes for their women. And lots of men are better off for the touch of a smart woman with good taste. But most men don’t want to be rehab projects. When a man feels like he’s a Man Fixer’s project, he’s going to bolt.

 

5.       Miss “Let Me Tell You How Horrible Men Are”

What is it about some women and their man bashing? Why are they still looking for Mr. Right if they’re convinced that every man is a total jerk? Miss “Let Me Tell You How Horrible Men Are” is quite sure that men are inferior creatures, but there she is on Match.com on a Friday night, looking through the profiles of local men. She’s hoping to find the one-in-a-million man who might be good

Men are not looking for a bad time. Do you think this woman would be any fun to be with on a date?

enough for her—and at the same time she’s quite sure that he doesn’t exist. Miss “Let Me Tell You How Horrible Men Are” gets crabbier as she gets older, so she starts to actually repel men. This leads to a self-fulfilling prophesy whereby men start to run away. Then she REALLY believes that all men are horrible—they won’t even talk to her anymore.
 
Ladies, there’s a simple fact about men that you really need to hear: Men aren’t looking for a bad time, and they aren’t looking for relationships with crabby women who are impossible to please. No man ever wrote, “For a bad time call Lisa,” on a bathroom wall.

 

Chad Stone is the author of Confessions of a Middle-Aged Babe Magnet and Babe Magnet Rules of Dating Over 50. Both books are available at Amazon.com.

 

The Magic of Great Relationships

“I think it's basically magic. There is such a thing as magic, and the Beatles were magic.”
 --  Paul McCartney, in a Rolling Stone interview, 2007

How is it that some relationships are like seeds that never sprout, some are like seedlings that die before really taking root, and some grow and flourish to produce an abundant harvest of love?

It’s basically magic. How else do you explain it?

That’s the way Paul McCartney explained why the Beatles’ music continues to speak to people after all these years. He didn’t say “we wrote great songs” or “we were good and we got lucky” or anything specific. He just said it was magic.

I think Paul McCartneyis right. There are times when magic takes over, and there’s no way to explain it logically. It happened with the Beatles. And sometimes it happens when two people meet each other.

I know this is true in relationships, because it happened to me.

When I was middle-aged, single and actively dating, there were times when I wondered why I was going on so many dates. Why was it taking so long to meet the right woman? Why was the process taking so long? What was I doing wrong? Where was the magic?

I had gotten really good at dating. I had mastered the fine art of the First Date, during which I would be witty and charming as I told funny stories that illustrated the highlights of my life. But in the 1.7 million first dates that I went on, there was precious little magic.

At first I thought I wasn’t trying hard enough. So I tried harder. I went out on more dates, and I learned even more about what women want in a man and how to present myself as that kind of man. (And I developed a list of Babe Magnet Rules to prove it.) Sometimes I got a little glimpse of magic, but it quickly (in a manner of days or weeks) vanished like a mirage in the desert.

A friend of mine thinks he may have found his magic. He and his lady have been together for many months, and their relationship continues to grow. From when I stand, it looks quite magical.

Another friend of mine, who I will call Asilla, has been dating a man for a couple of months. Whenever I watch them when they are together, he looks like a man who has found relationship magic, but she’s not so sure. So unless Asilla thinks there is magic in the relationship, there won’t be any magic for either of them. Relationship magic only happens when both parties feel it and embrace it.

So even though I wrote a book about dating and relationships—a book that’s packed full of practical advice about how to be the most attractive and desirable man or woman you can be, I still can’t offer much advice about how you can find magic.

But I do know this: you have to be open to the magic when it does come. If you’re shut down emotionally or if you’re simply not ready to embrace it, you’re not going to recognize relationship magic when it starts to bloom. You’ll walk away and wonder why the magic of love never arrives in your life.

Chad Stone

Author of Confessions of a Middle-Aged Babe Magnet

www.middleagedbabemagnet.com

Dating Over 50 and Babe Magnet Rule #17

You know that old saying, you can't teach an old dog new tricks? That may be true for old dogs, but not for single men. When I was single and dating over 50, I definitely learned a few new things about women.

One of the things I learned was Babe Magnet Rule #17, which appears in my book, Confessions of a Middle-Aged Babe Magnet: One Man's Brave Adventure into Dating Again in the 21st Century. It goes like this:

BABE MAGNET RULE #17

A Babe Magnet knows when to hold ‘em, knows when to fold ‘em, knows when to walk away, and knows when to run like hell.




Whoa. This guy might be a candidate for a "run like hell" date.



Some dates are made in heaven. Everything clicks. The conversation flows. You lock eyes with your date, and you listen to every word. You’re both witty and fun and fun to be with. Even if it’s your first date, it seems like you’ve known each other for years.



Some dates go pretty well, and the two of you have some common interests and experiences. It’s still too early to know if this is a match made in nirvana, but you and your date are hopeful. The connection you are making seems promising.

On the other hand, there are also some dates that are disasters right from the start. When you ask, “What’s your favorite book of all time?” she replies, “I don’t like to read.” When you inquire about what she loves to do for fun, she says, “I work all the time. I don’t have time to do anything fun.”

Dating Over 50

When you are dating over 50 and you're on a date like this, you are tempted to ask her if this date is work, but you bite your tongue. It sure feels like work to you. Right at the moment, you aren’t having any fun at all.


My advice for singles, no matter how old they are, is this: If a first date crashes and burns, let it go. Cut your losses and move on. If a second or third date reveals that what you thought was the Babe of your dreams actually harbors one of the character flaws on your “deal breakers” list, move on.

When I was newly single and dating over 50 after my divorce, I was lonely and looking for companionship. I was too patient with women who just weren’t right for me. I thought that any date was better than no date.

As I grew in wisdom and confidence, I realized that some dates were a complete waste of my time. After all, I was looking for the last love of my life. So what was I doing going out with a woman who I already knew wasn’t The One for me?

Like Kenny Rogers said in his classic song, The Gambler, “know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em.

And when a date turns into a disaster, run like hell. That's true when you are dating at 20, dating over 50, or dating at 100.

Visit middleagedbabemagnet.com for more great tips about dating and relationships from Chad Stone.

When It’s Time to Say Goodbye

Relationships are wonderful. Right? Isn’t that why we all love to be paired up with someone special? Isn’t that why millions of us who aren’t in relationships spend billions of dollars on online dating services like match.com and other matchmaking services? Isn’t that why we agonize about the relationships we’re in when things aren’t going well?



The short answer is “Yes.”



But unfortunately, sometimes relationships run their course. Some romantic relationships aren’t built to last. Or maybe they could have lasted, but we choose to give up on them instead.



So, when is the right time to end a relationship?



That’s what Mitchelon Humperdickfrankenfurter (not his real name) recently asked himself. He had been seeing Jennifer Lopez (the singer, but not the famous one) for nearly a year. Their lives had become comfortably enmeshed. They spent weekends together. They saw each other during the week. They had meet each others’ kids and parents. They were a couple.



In the past week, they became uncoupled. It was Mitch who decided it was time. He and Jenn had gone to Barbados together for 10 days in the tropics. But the trip was not all bliss, and it was clear to Mitch that his relationship with Jenn was stuck.



When I asked Mitch why he decided to have the dreaded “breakup talk” with Jenn, he said it was all about passion. He wasn’t feeling the heat, the passion in the relationship that he wanted. Sure, Jenn was nice, level-headed and dependable—but there weren’t any sparks in their relationship.



What Mitch also admitted was that there weren’t many sparks in the relationship even in the beginning—when you expect them the most. Mitch was hoping that the chemistry between them would erupt into flames over time, but that never happened.



When they got back from their vacation, he broke the news gently to Jenn. It turns out, she was feeling the same way. She wasn’t feeling any sparks for Mitch, either. So the good news was, the feelings (or lack thereof) were mutual. They collected their respective possessions from their respective houses, and they split as amicably as possible.



When is the right time to end a relationship? For Mitch and Jenn, it was when their hearts told them that they wanted more. They wanted more passion, and they were no longer to settle for anything less.



I wish them both nothing but the best, and I hope they both find lots of passion in their next relationships.

-- Chad Stone
----- For more thoughts on relationships and breakups, read my book, Confessions of a Middle-Aged Babe Magnet. And check out my web page at www.middleagedbabemagnet.com.

How to Win Gold ("Approved" Version)

It has come to my attention that the Olympic Committee is very protective of its copyrights, trademarks, sponsorship deals, etc. The Olympic Committee owns full rights to the words "Olympics," "Olympic Games," "olympian" and other variations. When you use any of those words in a non-approved, commercial context and you aren't McDonald's or Coca-Cola or another sponsor that has paid zillions of dollars to be associated with The Games, the Olympic Committee threatens to sue you.

Really. Even if you were to use a line such as "How to Win Gold in the Dating Olympics." Oh crap, that's the headline of my last blog post, isn't it?

OK. In an effort to show the Olympic Committee that I am not blantantly and knowingly using their trademarks for my own personal gain, I present this revised, "approved" version of my previous post.

Here goes:

How to “Win Gold” in the Ultimate Sport: Looking for Love

Santa Fe, NM— After the medals have been awarded in London, another kind of sporting event will dominate the thoughts of 99.6 million single American adults—Looking for Love

Chad Stone, author of a humorous guide to dating called Confessions of a Middle-Aged Babe Magnet (available at www.amazon.com and www.middleagedbabemagnet.com), says there are many similarities between the sporting world games and modern dating.

“For many single adults, looking for love is a major event,” says Stone. “Men and women train for their dates as if they were competing in world-class sporting events, and many singles aren’t happy until they have won the equivalent of a gold medal in dating.”

According to Stone, there are seven sporting/dating styles used while Looking for Love:

Marathon Dater—A Marathon Dater goes on lots of dates. This is the “kiss a lot of frogs” approach to finding love. Sometimes, out of sheer persistence, this approach works. But sometimes Marathon Daters “hit the wall” and settle for a life of singleness.

The Sprinter—The Sprinter can’t stand to NOT have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Before his cell phone cools from the last breakup call, he is dashing off to find a replacement. When a female Sprinter finds someone she likes, she can’t wait to “cross the finish line.” We used to call a woman like this “easy.” Now we say she is behaving like a man.
Gold Medal Perfectionist—This type is great at first and second dates but never seems to find true love because he or she is holding out for the perfect partner. A Gold Medal Perfectionist is so picky that no mere mortal is ever good enough, so why bother with a third date?
The Coach—These know-it-alls freely share their vast knowledge of the opposite sex with anyone who will listen. But Coaches never take their own advice, and they rarely go out on successful dates.
Perpetual Training Mode—A female in Perpetual Training Mode faithfully reads several dating blogs and always looks great—because you know how important first impressions are. A male in Perpetual Training Mode goes to the gym a lot to work on his biceps. But all of this prep time leaves precious little time for actual dating.
Individual Medley Dater—Just like the swimmers who do four different strokes during a single race, Individual Medley Daters aren’t content to date just one person at a time. It may be fun for a while, but ultimately this type of dater gets himself into trouble when he gets the names of his dates mixed up.
Confident Competitor—The true champion in the Looking for Love competition combines the best qualities of several dating styles. Like the Gold Medal Perfectionists, they are looking for quality—but not perfection. They know that sometimes dating requires persistence. Confident Competitors finish the race at their own pace and ultimately find the man or woman of their dreams.


NOTE: I hope that the term "Win Gold" isn't also owned by the Olympic Committee. I guess if they do own it, I'll hear from their lawyers. :-(

Are We Having Fun Yet?

Back when I was newly single and just getting back into dating, I noticed that some of my single friends talked about dating as if it were a major chore. To them, going on a first date was much like going to a meeting that you’d rather not attend.

In other words, dating sounded like work.

Wait a minute, I thought. Isn’t dating supposed to be FUN? Isn’t the search for a new girlfriend (or boyfriend) supposed to be exciting? Isn’t finding the love of your life worthy of some excitement?

Maybe that’s what’s wrong with dating for too many single adults. And maybe, just maybe, that’s why they are unsuccessful at dating. They can’t find that special someone because they aren’t having fun during the search. Maybe their bad vibes are actually keeping Mr. Wonderful (or Ms. Fabulous) away.

Ladies, let me give you some friendly advice about men. We’re not all serious all of the time. Sure, we work hard at our jobs and we take our jobs seriously. But we like to have fun, too. And most of us single men go out on dates to have fun and meet lovely new women. Dates aren’t supposed to feel like work.

When we meet a sad, dour-faced woman for a date, we are not amused. We don’t go out looking for a bad time. No man ever wrote, “For a bad time call 555-1369” on a bathroom wall. Women who don’t know how to enjoy themselves don’t get asked out for a second date. If you’ve ever wondered why he didn’t call you again after your first date, maybe it’s because you weren’t any fun to be with.

Men, the same thing goes for you. If you show up for a date looking like you’d rather be somewhere else, the lovely lady you are with will not be impressed with you. If you can’t brighten her mood with an inviting smile and a good sense of humor, then you aren’t making a good impression. Women aren’t looking for a bad time, either.

So what’s the answer? Lighten up! When I began my dating adventure, I promised myself that I would have fun. In my book, Confessions of a Middle-Aged Babe Magnet, available from amazon.com, I describe my journey—and I am (mostly) having a good time during the dating phase of my life. For me, meeting new women was fun and energizing.

Of course, when I went out with a woman who was too nervous to enjoy herself, or in a bad mood, or not completely over her last breakup, it wasn’t much fun. So I moved on.

Can dating success really come down to one simple thing—fun? Maybe. Not having the “fun factor” was a deal-breaker for me. A woman who didn’t seem to enjoy herself did not get a call-back from me.

So if you’re stuck in a dating rut and you can’t seem to find the next love of your life, just relax and decide to enjoy the process. Take all the pressure off. Lighten up and have a little fun.

It might make all the difference.

-----

How to Succeed at Dating

One of the things I observed as a single man was how many of my friends and acquaintances approached dating in a haphazard manner. That’s not the way to succeed at dating (or anything).

As Steve Jobs used to say, "Think Different."

When you start a job search, you get yourself organized and assess your strengths. You revise your resume. You start networking amongst friends and associates. You read job postings and start applying for jobs. You go on interviews and try to say the right things and impress the right people.


Why not put some of that same energy and focus into finding a date—or a mate? Isn’t your love life worth a little of your time, attention and effort? Why act as though finding a romantic partner has to be left completely up to fate?

Here are some tips for ensuring that you succeed at dating:

First, get yourself into the dating mindset. Make sure you really want to date. Don’t merely go through the motions, pretending that you want to meet someone special if you really don’t. Consciously decide that you are ready, willing, and able to participate in the exciting world of dating. (I am not being sarcastic here. Dating really can be a marvelous adventure.)

Second, clear your head and clearly state your intentions. If you are looking for an active social life, but you’re not ready for a serious commitment, be honest with yourself—and with your dates. If you’re ready to find the last love of your life, be clear about that, too.

You’ve set goals before, right? You’ve made New Year’s resolutions. Setting your dating intention is the same thing. Know what you want so you’ll recognize it when it manifests in your life.

Third, get your act together and get your mojo working. Start taking better care of yourself. Get back into exercising. Eat healthier food. Turn off the TV and read books that make you feel confident and happy. Get a new hair style. Invest in yourself by getting some new clothes. (If you don’t want to spend a lot of money, shop at the second-hand stores.) Be the best “you” possible. Don’t try to be someone that isn’t you, but do amplify and accentuate your positives.

Fourth, turn your dating radar on. There are lots of places where you could meet the love of your life—including in the line at Starbucks, at the Apple store or hanging out in the park. Be open to meeting the love of your life ANYWHERE. And by all means, get out or your house or apartment more often.

I’ll bet you $10 right now that your next love isn’t going to knock on your front door uninvited.

CHAD STONE is the author of Confessions of a Middle-Aged Babe Magnet, available from amazon.com.
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Two Secrets About Men

Talk to any woman, and she will tell you that men don’t understand women. But what women don’t know is that they don’t have a clue about men, either.

According to dating expert Kara Oh, most women don’t have a clue about two vitally important secrets about how to date and win the heart of a man.

Secret #1: A Woman Must Use Her Feminine Grace. That means a woman must keep her emotional reactions to herself, or share then with a trusted girlfriend. She SHOULD NOT reveal all of her emotions to the man she wants to romance (lest she scare him away).

Here are some more tips on using Feminine Grace:

* Be gracious

* Communicate with your heart

* Expect him to treat you with respect and consideration

* When you behave in this way, you will be on your way to making him
feel good to be around you.


Secret #2: Make Him Feel Like a Man. Too few women how important this secret really is. Sure, they may do this in the beginning of a relationship because they are excited about a new man. But, unfortunately, once they become comfortable in their relationship, they tend to start making him feel like LESS of a man.

How big a mistake is this? It’s a deal breaker for most men. Admittedly, most men do not realize right away what is going on when the woman starts to pick away at his manhood by criticizing him and trying to mold him into something new. But soon he realizes that the woman he is with is starting to make him feel bad—not wonderful. A man wants to please the woman of his dreams. But she can’t be pleased. What man wants to be around a woman who makes him feel like he's a failure?

Here are Kara Oh’s suggestions for making a man feel like a man:


* Let him know good a man you think he is

* Let him know how considerate he is

* Let him know how smart you think he is

* Let him know strong and capable he is


Why? Because he wants to be your hero and this will tell him he is. By the way, if he isn't someone you can appreciate, then he's not the man for you.

When a man feels good whenever he's around you, then he will be drawn to you like bees to their favorite flower. Does this mean she waits on him like a servant? No. It's more a matter of appreciating him as a man.

So, what do you think of this advice? Is it old-fashioned and crazy? Or is it classic brilliance that is just as true today as it was hundreds of years ago?

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

-Chad Stone (affectionately known as the Middle-Aged Babe Magnet)

What Do Men Want?

As men’s and women’s roles continue to change in our ever-changing world, some things never change. Men are still, on the whole, quite clueless about women. And women, even though they are less clueless, still don’t understand men.

Now that I’ve gotten your attention with the unvarnished, politically incorrect truth, let’s talk about what men want in women.

The following list appeared on www.topdatingtips.com, but I have edited it and made additional comments. OK, here we go!

• Men are looking for a love-interest. Surprised? Ask men what they really want, and they say love, not sex. Men like to love and they like being loved and appreciated in return.

• Men want a woman who is attractive to them. Yes, that seems like (to most women) that men are shallow if looks matter so much. But men aren't necessarily looking for a runway model. The typical man wants a woman who takes pride in her appearance. And men are proud of having a girlfriend who looks good.

• Men are seeking women who are feminine, gentle and kind because those qualities also make a woman a great mother. Not that a typical man needs mothering. But even if they aren’t ready for marriage right now, men seek the attributes in women that point to someone who would make a great mother to future offspring.

• Men appreciate women with a sense of humor. Women often come across as uptight or too bothered by too many small details. Life can be a pain in the… neck, and a healthy sense of humor about life (and yourself) is a great way to make it all more enjoyable. No guy wants to be stuck with an uptight, humorless woman.

• Men are looking for women who retain their femininity. If you’re a woman, don’t try to be “one of the boys.” Men have guy friends for that. Be a woman. Viva la difference!

• Men want someone who is supportive. Many women are quick to criticize men. This is a crucial mistake. The best relationships are mutually supportive, not overly critical.

• Men love a challenging woman, someone who keeps them on their toes. Men are not attracted to passive doormats. A woman who keeps him challenged is invigorating and exciting. (There’s a difference between “challenged” and “threatened” however, so don’t take it too far.) If you want to keep your man interested, keep him challenged with your spunkiness and your ability to keep your man from falling into a rut.

• Men want sex. No big news there, right? But here’s a major difference between men and women: men have sex to bond and fall in love, while women have sex after they have bonded and want to express their love.

• Men are looking for a trustworthy woman. She must be a person they can have faith in and someone who will be there for them.

• Men want to make a home eventually and are looking for a woman who will be a willing partner in home life. A basic level of domestic skills is attractive to most men. (Most men can use a little help in this department.)

• Men want a woman who will commit to them. Men want a girlfriend with whom they can share and trust. This isn’t a one-sided wish, though. Commitment is a two-way street.

• Most men want to get married. Eventually. They want to feel like successful, independent adults first, but ultimately most men DO want to get married. But they have to feel like it’s on their timeline. They don’t like to feel pressured into “tying the knot.” (By the way, I’m pretty sure that the expression “tying the knot” was invented by a man who was feeling pressured into getting married.)

To summarize, a typical man wants a fun-to-be-with, trustworthy, reliable, sexy, single woman with whom he can have a long term relationship.

Now, when it comes right down to it, that’s not much different from the “wish list” of the typical modern woman, is it?

For more ongoing comments about dating and relationships, read my posts on www.datingwithoutdrama.com. Click on Advice from Men and search for the Chad Stone stories.

That's it for now. The Middle-Aged Babe Magnet has left the building.

Why Won’t Men Commit to a Relationship?

A study called “Why Men Won’t Commit: Exploring Young Men’s Attitudes About Sex, Dating and Marriage” examined the state of marriage in America from the male perspective. The study surveyed 60 single men between the ages of 25 to 33 northern New Jersey, Chicago, Washington, D.C. and Houston.

Researchers explored men’s attitudes on sex, dating, meeting women, living together, marrying a soul mate, the timing of marriage, social pressures to marry, divorce, desire for children and more.

According to the study, here are some of the reasons that young men are not committing to marriage:

• They are more willing to live together than marry.
• They can get sex without marriage.
• They want to avoid the financial fall-out of divorce.
• They fear that marriage will require too many changes and compromises.
• They want to delay having children.
• They are reluctant to marry a woman who already has children.
• They are waiting for the perfect soul mate.
• They want to enjoy single life as long as they can.
• They want to own a house before they get a wife.

One of the things that this study revealed was that—unlike in earlier decades— there are no big social pressures on men to marry. As a result, men are delaying marriage. In 1960, half of all single men were married by 25 and the rest followed shortly thereafter. Today, the median age of a first marriage for men is 27. For college-educated men, it’s a year or two later—about age 29.

Here in the 21st century, anyone paying attention already knows that women are living with their boyfriends before they decide to get married. That way, both parties can see if they are compatible together. Experts say that half of all these live-in relationships eventually turn into marriages.

I think it is this new trend toward cohabitating that makes it SEEM like men are not willing to commit to a relationship. In fact, they ARE willing to commit to a relationship, it’s just that many men don’t see any benefits in turning their live-in girlfriends into wives. (Like Granddad always said, why buy the cow when you are already getting the milk for free.)

What do you think?

Exciting News About New Blog!

I am delighted to share this good news: yours truly, Chad Stone, the Middle-Aged Babe Magnet, is the newest blogger on a great website called Dating Without Drama.

I have been asked to write about dating from the perspective of someone who has succeeded in finding the love of his life. In fact, that's what my first post is about. You can read it by clicking here.

Right now my first post is featured on the homepage under the title Eye on the Prize: A Dating Success Story. In the future, when my most recent post isn't on the home page, you can get to it by clicking on Advice for Men in the top navigation bar.

I will be posting regularly on www.datingwithoutdrama.com as well as here on this blog. The postings will be different, so be sure to check out both sites.

I will continue to write about the humorous side of dating and relationships, and offer some real-world advice along the way. As always, I would love to hear from you. Send me your questions and your own dating and relationship stories so I can share them and add my comments.

Thanks for reading!

--Chad Stone
Middle-Aged Babe Magnet

Do Pick Up Lines Really Work?

Sooner or later in the world of singlehood, the topic of pick up lines comes up. Many men want to find the ultimate, perfect thing to say to a woman. You know, the line that stops a woman in her tracks, makes her smile, and convinces her that you are worthy of serious consideration as dating material.

So, do pick-up lines actually work? Sorry guys, but the answer is no. There is no perfect line for every occasion and for every woman. God forbid, you use a "canned line" on a woman (such as, "Did it hurt?" and she says, "Did what hurt?" and then you say, "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?")-- and she laughs in your face because she thinks you're such a dweeb.

Since pick-up lines are always good fodder for blog posts, I was interested to hear from the folks at www.topdatingsites.com that they had posted a blog story about the Top 10 online pickup lines.

So I read the story. Some of the "lines" were mildly clever. I suppose that, when sent to the right woman in the right context, "You give great email" could strike the right tone between playful and provocative. And "Have I met you before?" is a great way to get an online conversation going.

But some of the "Top 10" were just lame. Who is going to believe "You look like Halle Berry only hotter"? And asking for her astrological sign? Didn't that go out of style in 1975?

The story did nothing to convince me that using predetermined pickup lines is a good way to impress anyone. The best way to impress someone is to be your honest, good-natured self. (Sorry, but if you're not honest or good natured, you are basically screwed.)

By the way, according to my limited experience and friend-to-friend research, the best pickup line ever is "Hello" delivered with a genuine smile. Then introduce yourself.

Try it. It works.

Be Careful What You Wish For

I've always loved the "be careful what you wish for" advice, because it reminds us that the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence-- at least not in the way that we expected.

A single friend of mine, let's call him Carlos, had been seeing Maria for almost six months. But there were some red flags in the relationship. Maria seemed overly sensitive at times, and at other times she acted like a petulant teenager.

So Carlos wished for clarity. He wanted to know if he should invest more emotional energy in the relationship. He wanted to know if Maria was "the one"-- or whether she had the potential to be.

The two of them had been on long weekend trips together, and the longest time they had spent continuously together was about four days. When a great deal on a 15-day trip to Europe arrived via email, Carlos jumped on it. He and Maria excitedly began preparing for their big trip.

Well, the trip ended last week. The first week or so was great. They enjoyed exploring new places together and indulging in delicious and exotic foods. But then Maria grew short-tempered. She got bitchy and was not fun to be with. (I haven't heard her side of the story. She might say that Carlos started to get too demanding or too picky or...) Halfway through the trip, they had a fight.

And Carlos got the clarity he wanted. It became very clear to him that Maria was not "the one." She refused to take any responsibility for the relationship trouble that she and Carlos were having, and she continued to act out.

Carlos and Maria have officially broken up. So there will soon be two more single baby boomers on match.com or eHarmony.com or whatever.

Does Carlos wish things had turned out differently? Well, maybe a little bit. But at the same time, he knows that things have worked out for the best. He isn't really surprised that he and Maria are no longer a couple.

That's another thing about getting what you wish for. In dating, as in life, sometimes what you get isn't a big surprise at all.

Ahhhh, a new romance!

My friend, Craig, is a true middle-aged babe magnet, and he loves every minute of it. He loves to be admired by women. He has also been suffering from a broken heart, so he has deliberately been an elusive dating target. He hasn't wanted to become involved with a woman, so he's been casually dating for quite a while. To his credit, he has been basically celibate during this time, because he is self-aware enough to know that he hasn't been emotionally available.

But all of that has changed. Now he is smitten for the first time in three years.

He freely admits to being smitten. And, ironically, he's not entirely happy about it. He doesn't like being the one who cares whether she calls him back. He doesn't like being the one who is getting butterflies and spikes in his pulse rate. He doesn't like being the one who is distracted by amorous thoughts. He has a business to run, dammit!

I am thoroughly enjoying Craig's predicament. It's fun to watch him get flustered, It's fun to give him dating advice when he acts like a lovestruck dweeb. (More on this in a future post.) We've all been captured by the promise of new love. We've all been there and done that.

Basically, my advice to Craig is: enjoy it! Enjoy that delicious feeling of not being in total control. Get out of your "male brain" and go with the flow. Love is a ride down a rushing river. At this stage, just enjoy the ride!

Save as Draft book review

I recently received a review copy of Save as Draft, a delightful new novel by Cavanaugh Lee that traces the thoroughly modern dating and relationship life of Izabell, a wactress (waitress/actress) turned lawyer. The “hook” of this book is that it is comprised entirely of the texts, emails and tweets that Izabell and her friends send and receive.

The story begins with the eHarmony messages that Izabell receives about Martin (her “Match #6”) and Martin receives about Izabell (his “Match #137”). Alas, their promising romance will not immediately blossom, primarily because of Izabell’s growing fascination with her co-worker, Peter.

The telling of this story through emails and texts is both brilliant and frustrating. We all know that emails (and especially texts) have their pitfalls. Sure, they are instantaneous, but they lack the voice inflections of telephone calls and the context-rich nonverbal cues of face-to-face conversations. Because of this, Save as Draft is chatty and superficial. The characters hope, dream and fall in and out of love, but we (the readers) only get glimpses of their internal agonies and ecstasies.

The brilliance of the novel is in the emails that the characters write to each other but do not send. (These are “saved as draft,” which is where the title of the book is derived.) These unsent emails are the heartfelt communications that the characters SHOULD be sending. When Peter is falling for Izabell, he writes several “I love you” emails that he never sends. I wanted to slap him upside the head. Send the damn emails, you weenie! You’re not going to get the girl if she doesn’t know how you feel about her!

Save as Draft is a witty, well-written novel that provides valuable insight to the joys and pitfalls of dating in the internet age. It also serves as a warning for those of us who might rely too heavily on electronic forms of communication. In the humble opinion of this Middle-Aged Babe Magnet, texts and emails are best used as bridges between actual conversations. It’s too easy to misinterpret the sterile words on a computer screen or smart phone. That’s why emoticons and text shorthand (lol, omg) were developed to add meaning and emotion to cold, typed words.

I happen to be a big fan of technology. I am, after all, posting this on a blog—and I met my fiancée on match.com. I have first-hand knowledge of the value of using technology in dating and communicating. But when I have something important to say to my beloved, I want to gaze right into her beautiful eyes.

The Myth of the Noncommittal Male

Answer this question: are men or women less likely to commit to a long-term relationship?

You said men, didn't you?

That's the prevailing wisdom, but that's not necessarily correct. According to what TIME magazine calls "the biggest study of single people, ever," single men are just as likely to want to get married as single women.

Shocking, huh?

Not if you understand men. Yes, sometimes they can be flakey, elusive and hard to pin down. But once a man falls for a woman, he REALLY falls. And that's when a man is MORE LIKELY to want to commit to a long-term relationship than a woman.

The aforementioned study surveyed 5,200 people ages 21 to 65+ to find out why people commit to marriage-- and why they don't. The study was funded by match.com and carried out by independent researchers. The findings showed that men were more likely to want to get married when they were younger (in the 21-24 years-old range) and when they were older (about 55 to 65). In between, women were more likely to say they wanted to get married. But throughout the entire 21-65 years curve, the difference between men's and women's desires for marriage weren't all that different.

Other interesting info from this study:

-- More than half the single men ages 21 to 35 wanted kids, while only 46% of women did.

-- Women seem to value their independence more than men. For example, 66% of women in a relationship have their own bank account, while only 47% of men do.

-- Women are pickier about whom they date than men are. 83% of men are flexible about the religious beliefs of their dates, while 62% of women are.

Is the 21 century really a brave new world for dating and commitments? Perhaps. Our post-modern society has given women lots of options besides marriage. Many women are opting for the career life rather than the "mom and wife" life. And there's nothing wrong with either choice.

So ladies, if you think that men are all a bunch of jerks who run away from any sign of a long-term committed relationship, please think again. Don't paint us all with the same brush. Some of us are just fine with making commitments-- including saying goodbye to dating and "I do" to marriage.

Going for that first kiss

A middle-aged friend of mine named Roscoe has been out with a woman twice. He hasn't kissed her yet, and he asked me for some advice.

It's kind of funny that middle-aged people would have any questions at all about kissing. We've been kissing our whole lives. Ah, but that first kiss with somone new. It's still an exciting moment-- I don't care how old you are.

So Roscoe asked me, should he ask her permission to kiss her, or should he just go ahead and move in for that first kiss when the time is right. It's a good question.

Most of the women I've talked to about this have said something like this: "I like it when a man makes the move. He doesn't need to ask me for permission. When I am ready for him to kiss me, I am giving him permission with my body language and my eyes. He should know it's time to move in for the kiss."

Plus, there is something romantic about a man taking the initiative that women like. Sure, we're all uber-enlightened and liberated in the gender-equal 21st century. But many of our dating rituals are just plain old-fashioned-- and men and women both seem to like it that way.

My advice to Roscoe was, "Watch for the signals. Let your body language communicate your interest, and when you get the same signals from her, go ahead and kiss her.

Hey, does anyone out there have a great "first kiss" story?

Three Strikes and She's Out

I have been seeing a woman named Michele, and I thought things were going well. But she has not responded to two text messages I sent her on Monday, nor has she returned my phone call from last night.

I wrote to my friend Ms. V. to get her opinion on Michele’s unresponsiveness. This was her comment:

"Re Michele: Not returning calls and text messages, as you know, is very bad. (Not to mention really rude.) It’s more commonly found in men, don’t you think, than women, who usually have a much higher level of “connectivity?” If it were me (and it HAS been me! ;-) ), I would just write her off. If she doesn’t have the common decency to even shoot you a quick email apologizing for being swamped, forget about her. Wasted effort. She doesn’t deserve you, by golly!"

Shit. Deep in my heart I already knew that. But I REALLY LIKE Michele. I was hoping she would be somebody special. But her rudeness/insensitivity/lack of common courtesy is not acceptable. It’s time to write her off.

In fact, Michele is behaving like a man. After the initial attraction, she has reached the “is he/she really what I’m looking for” point of the dating relationship, and she has pulled back. She has gone incommunicado, and there’s no way for me to know why.

Oh, cruel, cruel fate! Oh woe is me! What have I done to deserve this? Of all the injustices served up by a heartless world, can there be anything more painful? This is the cruelest form of Instant Karma imaginable. Michele was going to be THE ONE! I was willing to put aside all other dates and focus all of my attentions on her. She was going to be the object of my affections, the recipient of all of my passions. I had already begun to construct the pedestal that she would stand upon when I worshipped her. And then she DOES THIS TO ME!

Yes, she is behaving like a man and I am reacting like a woman. But WHAT ELSE am I to do? She does not know the pain she is inflicting upon me. She does not know that I think of her dozens of times a day. I pick up my cell phone every 15 minutes to see if I have somehow missed her call, even though I have been staring at the phone the entire time.

Michele and I went out on five dates together. Count ‘em, FIVE. That’s enough time spent together to know that we were growing closer. Weren’t we behaving like a COUPLE on our last date? Didn’t she grab me by the hand and lead me through a crowded club for all the world to see that we were TOGETHER? Didn’t she snuggled up to me and kiss me and tell me she had a great time?

Then what, in God’s name happened?

I must call all of my female friends and spend hours on the phone rehashing every single moment and getting their fervent input. We must talk about every detail of our five dates. All of the time she spent gazing into my eyes as I regaled her with stories of adventures and humorous anecdotes.

We laughed, we ate fine food, we drank fine wine, we held hands, we kissed playfully and passionately. WHAT WENT WRONG?

Perhaps I should drive over to her house and knock on her door and find out what’s going on. No, I don’t want to appear too needy. That’s a definite turn-off. So maybe I should park my car down the street from her house and just watch when she comes and goes. It wouldn’t be spying, really. I just want to make sure that she’s all right. Maybe she’s sick. Maybe she’s slipped on the wet bathroom floor and hit her head and she’s unable to reach her phone to return calls or send text messages.

OK, my rule has always been three strikes and you’re out. I make three attempts to contact a woman, and if I don’t hear from her, I move on. But shouldn’t I make an exception for someone that I really like? Instead of three strikes and she’s out, maybe if I give her four balls before I take a walk? What about that? That would mean that I could call her one more time.

No. NO NO NO NO NO! Don’t be a goddam weenie. Suck it up and move on.

Babe Magnet Rule #17:
When a woman dumps you, get over it and find your balls. You’re going to need them someday.

Dating and Kids

I just got back from the weirdest date. I went out with two females—K. and her 11-year-old daughter.

The plan was for us to go for a picnic dinner and then go for a nature hike. The weather didn’t cooperate, though. The windy spring season has begun, so we opted to eat outside at the table in K.’s backyard. We ate cold salmon, soy bean salad, picked beets (yuck) and a few other things for dinner. We ate off paper plates, holding the plates down so they wouldn’t blow away in the wind.

K.'s daughter, being an attention-starved tween, kept jumping on the trampoline in the backyard while K. and I were trying to eat and talk. Having an 11-year-old along on a date makes for a very different dynamic, let me tell you.

K. and I retreated into the house to get out of the wind. She sat down on a chair in the living room, leaving me to sit across from her on the couch. We talked, but mostly about her daughter and her ex, who is behind on his child support. Not exactly romantic date conversation.

It became very clear to me that K. wants a male presence in her life—but largely for her daughter's benefit. (And to give K. a break from the 24/7 job of being a parent.) Already K. is sizing me up as a potential stepfather.

One of the things I enjoy about mid-life dating is the sexual tension of “are we going to kiss on this date?” and “how far will she let me go tonight before she offers resistance?”

With K., there has been none of that delicious tension. We haven’t had a romantic date, so we haven’t had the opportunities to touch each other tentatively to see how comfortable we are. There have only been hugs of greeting and goodbye.

Tonight I felt like I was on an extended job interview. Maybe that’s what all dates are, but in this case I didn’t have to impress just one woman, I had to impress her daughter, too. I’m a great dad to my own (now grown-up) kids, so I know how to along with children. But I resented having to pass the “dad” test before I even know if there is any chemistry between me and K.

After tonight, a single woman without children looks very good to me, indeed.

How about you? What's your experience with dating and kids?