Dating After 40: Why Do Men Want Younger Women?

One of the most common dating after 40 questions I am asked by women goes something like this: “Why are so many men who are dating after 40 looking for younger women? What’s up with a 60 year-old-man who clearly wants to date a 40-year-old woman?”

Well, why is it that so many men who are dating after 40 clearly want younger women? Or do we hear a lot about the over-40 single men who want younger women, even though the majority of men are happy to date women in their own age group. Which is it?

There’s no question that some older men do want to date younger women. One reason is simply because they can. Our society has long accepted the idea of an older man dating a younger woman. If a 45-year-old man can get a 30-year-old woman to go out with him, why shouldn’t he? Unfortunately, though, the tables are rarely turned. Society has not embraced the idea of an older woman going out with a younger man. When a 50-something woman does go out with a 30-something man, for example, we call that woman a “cougar.” And the term “cougar” isn’t usually meant to be a compliment.
 
So if society allows a man to date a younger woman, what’s the age difference that’s acceptable? Is it OK for a 60-year-old man to date a 40-year-old woman? How about a 65-year-old man dating a 40-year-old woman? That’s 25 year difference in their ages. How about a 30-year difference in age? Where does a single person draw the line? Or as one woman commented, “It bothers me when I see a man who’s in his 60s going after a woman in her 30s. What does that mean for me, at 53? Does that mean I have to date men who are 75 and older?”

I hope not. That would really suck, wouldn’t it?

 

I don't know, Heff. How many blondes DOES it take to change a diaper? I'm thinking-- three.
 

Let’s face it—getting older is no picnic for either gender. A typical man has concerns about his virility, while the typical woman tends to be concerned with her physical beauty. Many men who are afraid that they are getting older (as in “past their prime”) try to recapture the feeling of virility that they had as young men by dating a younger woman. Dating a younger woman makes them feel younger, and that often will give a man an extra shot of energy—and dare I say, testosterone.
 
But speaking as both a man and the Middle-Aged Babe Magnet, I can tell you that there are plenty of problems with dating a younger woman. For one thing, there’s the lack of common cultural experience. If the first band you fell in love with is the Beatles, and you remember their Ed Sullivan Show appearances in 1964, then you’re not going to have that in common with a younger woman who first got excited about Duran Duran (“the band so nice they named it twice”). You’re probably not going to like the same movies. The list goes on and on.
 
Another huge challenge in dating someone who is significantly older or younger than you are has to do with kids. Let’s say you’ve got older kids who are all out of the house—in college or even into their adult lives. Then you start seeing someone whose kids are still in elementary school. That’s a huge difference in your family situations. And anytime you date someone with kids living in the home it changes the dynamics of the dating situation.
 
So whether you’re a man dating younger women or a woman dating younger men, you’ve got to deal with a lot of age-related challenges.

That’s why, in my humble experience and in my own personal research, I’ve found it much more likely that long-term relationships blossom when the two people are close enough in age to have a common bond of mutual experiences. Being at roughly the same stage of life and coming from the same cultural experiences is a huge factor in finding mutual compatibility.

So, gentlemen, go ahead and date a few young babes if you need to get it out of your system. But I’ll bet you five bucks that the woman you choose for a long-term relationship is closer to your own age.

For more on this topic—and just about everything else concerning dating and relationships, read The Babe Magnet Rules of Dating Over 50: 101 Tips for Meeting, Winning & Keeping a New Love by yours truly, Chad Stone.

 

 

The Top Dating Over 50 Dealbreakers

If you’ve been dating over 50 for a while, chances are you’ve got a list of your own dating dealbreakers. Even if you’ve never written them down, you know what they are. A woman named Valerie told me her dating over 50 deal breakers are men who lie about themselves on their online profiles, men who are shorter that she is, and men who lie about their height on their online profiles because they are shorter than she is.

 

A single friend of mine named Cliff was once looking to date only supermodels who weighed no more than 125 pounds. He seems to have relaxed his standards after spending so many nights alone. Now he’s looking for women “who have their own teeth.”

 

Dating Over 50

It turns out that there are almost as many dating over 50 dealbreakers as there are daters who are over 50. (And that’s also true for other age groups.) A website called OurTime.com, which is targeted toward singles over the age of 50, has released a survey of its members. They didn’t ask for my opinion—probably because I am not a member of the website, I call myself the Middle-Aged Babe Magnet, and I am now happily married. Nevertheless, the results of their survey show the top three deal breakers for the dating over 50 crowd.

 

All single people have dating dealbreakers. But do you know what the top deal breakers are for dating over 50?

The dealbreakers are….. (drumroll please!)….

 

Poor Health

Number One: The person is dead. Just kidding. Dead people didn’t even make the Top 10. But the number one dealbreaker is closely related to death—people who are in poor health. 78% of the dating over 50 respondents said they were not willing to go out with someone who was in poor health.

 

I'm thinking this guy does not get many winks on Match.com.

That’s a pretty good call if you ask me. Good health is so fundamentally important to a good relationship that it almost goes without saying. Who would want to start a relationship with someone who isn’t physically well? Plus, there’s the underlying cause of the poor health. If someone isn’t healthy because he or she doesn’t take good care of themselves, that’s a huge red flag. Babe magnets take good care of themselves. So do babes. Do you really want to start a relationship with someone who cares so little about himself that he puts himself at risk? I think not.

 

Poor Financial Health

The Number Two dating over 50 dealbreaker is financial instability. 76 percent of the www.OurTime.com members cited financial issues as a deal breaker. By the time you have reached middle age, you don’t want to get involved with someone who hasn’t gotten her financial act together. The bohemian poor starving artists that have some appeal at age 25 don’t look so good at age 52, when it’s time to get serious about stashing away money for a long and happy retirement.

 

The sign says it all, huh? I wonder if you can get this put on a t-shirt.

One of the reasons I think that poor physical health and financial instability rank #1 and #2 on this survey is that both of these are long-term issues. If you’re unhealthy and your finances are a mess in your over-50 years, it is unlikely things are going to get significantly better anytime soon.

 

Physical Attraction

Coming in at Number Three on the survey is lack of physical attraction (with 75 percent of the survey respondents listing this). This is an obvious dealbreaker for single people of all ages. We’re all looking for someone who can spark our flame of passion. But of all the Top 3 deal breakers in this survey, the lack of physical attraction is the one that offers the most potential for short-term improvement.

 

Oh, baby! Do you love this guy's style, or what? He thinks he's a middle-aged babe magnet, but his only friend is the Domino's delivery guy.

By the time we hit 50, many of us have gotten complacent with our physical appearances. We might be wearing clothes that were fashionable in a previous decade. (I am talking to you, men.) We might be wearing our hair in the same, familiar style that we fell in love with as young adults. We might be pretending that we have more hair than we actually do. (Key word: comb-over.)

 

Update Your Look

One of my most common bits of advice for anyone who is dating over 50 is “update your look.” Find a friend who has good taste in today’s clothes and go shopping. Get yourself some new clothes that fit you well. Take a long, honest look in the mirror. If you’re stuck in a hairstyle rut, go to a salon for a new look. If you haven’t been regularly exercising—start. Begin by walking or biking. Join a gym and start getting your body in shape. You’ll look better and feel better, too.  

 

Today’s over 50 singles are more active and more vibrant than middle-aged folks were in the past. The ones who succeed in dating over 50 are those men and women who keep themselves healthy, take care of their finances, and deliberately don’t get stuck in a rut.

 

There’s one more thing: the best way you can make yourself happier and more physically attractive is to smile more. Try it—starting right now.

 

Chad Stone is the author of The Babe Magnet Rules of Dating Over 50.

 

How to Have a Great First Date (Part 2)

Our discussion on the topic, How to Have a Great First Date continues...

 

You’re all ready for a great first date with someone you barely know. Your body is clean, your clothes are clean, and you’re dressed for dating success. You are ready to meet the love of your life. (Hey, it could happen. I know this from personal experience-- because it happened to me.)

Gentlemen, if you are following the rules I set out in my book, Babe Magnet Rules of Dating Over 50, you selected a suitable location for this great first date.



This is NOT a good choice for a first date. Never, ever.

 

If this is a “meet and greet” date, then you’re probably meeting at a Starbucks of a similar local coffee spot. There is nothing wrong with a coffee date. It’s a casual, low-pressure way to get to know someone. If her or she sparks your interest, great! If not, it’s no harm no foul, and you can move on.



A first date that doesn't work out is like incidental contact in a basketball game. "No harm, no foul."

(Photo by the Birmingham News)

 

If you want to make a bigger first impression, then you have invited her to dine with you at a nice, but not too fancy, restaurant. In an age of “meet and greet” first dates, a real dinner date is a great way to get a woman’s attention.

Now, follow Babe Magnet Rule #30: Be the first to arrive for a date—especially a first date. Give yourself a few minutes to claim the place as your own. This will give you extra confidence and help put you in command of the date. And Babes love a confident man.

When you meet your date, use your best old-school manners. Guys, look your date in the eyes and tell her how glad you are to meet her. Girls, look him in the eyes and smile. He will melt.



It doesn't take much for a woman to melt a man. A nice smile will do it every time.

 

So, now what? What should you talk about? And what topics should you avoid? Well, the number one topic you should NOT talk about on a first date is ex-spouses and ex-lovers. The trouble with talking about ex-lovers is that it’s an emotionally charged topic. Love Gone Bad is not a fun topic, and relationship breakups are not happy events. Do you really want to travel into the Black Hole of a Dead Relationship with someone you barely know? I think not.

Here’s the best thing that could happen when you talk about your ex. You say something like, “My ex-wife is a wonderful person, but over the years we grew less and less compatible.” That sounds reasonable, right? You’re over your ex and you’re not bitter. On some days, you’re so enlightened that your friends call you Gandhi. But you still run the risk of your date only hearing the “my ex-wife is a wonderful person” part and now she’s wondering if you’re really over her yet.

 

Try not to talk about ex-lovers, religion or politics on a first date.

 

So, what do you talk about? Fun stuff. Positive stuff. Amusing things that have happened to you lately. Before your date, think about some fun stuff you can talk about. One way to avoid the dreaded AWKWARD SILENCE OF A FIRST DATE is to always have a few little stories to tell.

I suggest that everyone have three “talk show stories” that they can tell during a date or any social setting. These are the kinds of stories that are fun, easy to listen to, and don’t challenge anyone’s beliefs or opinions.

Back when I was single and was a self-proclaimed Middle-Aged Babe Magnet, I used to tell a funny story about my youngest son. (Almost anyone can appreciate a funny kid story.) I also told the story about how my cat adopted me after my dog died. (Women love heartwarming stories about pets.)



Awwwwwww!

 

Another topic that always seemed to work was a lighthearted review of some of my worst first dates. Women also like to share their bad date experiences. Bingo, you’ve got a pleasant conversation going. Just make sure that your bad date stories don’t reveal anything troubling about you—like showing up late for dates, getting drunk on dates, or forgetting to wear pants.

Once again, we’re out of time here at the Middle-Aged Babe Magnet Blog. Next time we finish the topic of How to Have a Great First Date with the best tip ever about how to ensure that you’ll get a second date.

Chad Stone is the author of Confessions of a Middle-Aged Babe Magnet and Babe Magnet Rules of Dating Over 50. Both books are available at Amazon.com.

 

 

 

When the Government Becomes a Matchmaker

It’s stressful enough when Mom wants you to get married. She turns into a matchmaker. “Why don’t you go out with …?” becomes a frequent question. She nags, she questions, and she probes into your personal life. She’s on hyper alert for every mention of a single man, a single woman, or an upcoming wedding. So imagine what a downer it is when the government wants you to get married and turns into a matchmaker, too.

 

Need a matchmaker? Try a speed dating event like this one!

That is exactly what’s happening in South Korea. The country is in a tizzy about falling birthrates, but it is still tied to conservative ideas about marriage and babies. So the government of South Korea is pushing its single citizens to match up, already.

 According to a recent story in the New York Times, solving the difficulties of South Korea’s hopelessly single men and women has become a national priority. So much so, in fact, that the government has been sponsoring dozens of speed dating parties in the hopes that Mr. Wong can meet Miss Right. (NOTE: I couldn’t resist using the previous line. It’s punny. Nevermind that Wong isn’t even a Korean name. Please forgive me.)

South Korea once depended on arranged courtships to produce weddings and marriages. Until the 1980s, young people relied upon family connections and hired a Patti Stanger (or maybe two Patti Stangers) to help find their spouses. But as young adults moved from ancestral villages to bigger cities, the traditional social/matchmaking networks started to break down. More and more families started turning to dating services that performed background checks. Today, arranged matches are becoming a thing of the past. So, in 2010, the Ministry of Health and Welfare began actively promoting dating parties and held four parties that year that brought together workers and employees at local corporations.

 I once went to a speed dating event myself. It was sponsored by Cupid.com rather than Uncle Sam. I approached the event as a grand adventure, and I ended up enjoying the evening. I met 13 single women that night, and I dated three of them. But, alas, I did not meet the last love of my life, and I did not get married as a result of attending the speed dating event.

The government of South Korea has had some success as a matchmaker, however. Couples who have met at the government-sponsored dating event have tied the knot.

 
All of this begs the question: how would you react to your government setting up dating parties? Would you attend if Big Brother was pushing for you to get married? Would you be open to the possibility of meeting your future wife at a government-sponsored event?

 How about if a hefty tax refund was part of the deal?

 This is Chad Stone, author of The Babe Magnet Rules of Dating Over 50, signing off.

5 Ways Men Kill Relationships

There are at least 5 ways that men kill relationships. Who am I kidding? There are probably 500. No wonder this woman looks so cranky.

Men aren’t always good at relationships. Sometimes men do stupid things to kill relationships. It says so right here in the “Duh” file. Sometimes men can be focused things like work and forget they have to invest some time and emotional energy in their love relationships. Sometimes men expect women to be just as simple as men are—which can really kill a relationship.

There are lots of relationship-killing behaviors that men cluelessly use to chase their women away. These relationship killers, when used excessively, can be described as relationship-killing personality types.

So here are five ways that men act that kill relationships.When they act like the characters that I describe below, women hit the road.

 

Mr. Needy

The first way that men kill relationships is by behaving like a needy, wimpy man. This is not attractive to a woman. In fact, it’s a complete turn-off. Most women are attracted to the masculine traits of strength, decisiveness, leadership and vision. When a woman lists what she’s looking for in a man, she never says, “I want a man with no self confidence and no friends, who needs my undivided attention constantly.” One of the reasons a man can turn into Mr. Needy is he falls for the woman before she falls for him. When that happens, he needs to make sure he doesn’t get whiny and wimpy.

 

The Baggage Man

We all arrive in a new relationship with some baggage. Some of us arrive on a first or second date with enough baggage for an around the world cruise. Some of us arrive with just a small overnight bag, and we tuck it under the table and never mention it.  Mr. Baggage Man doesn’t just have a lot of baggage—he’s attached to it. It defines who he is. He might have a bag packed with all of his broken-heart wounds. Another is filled with how “bad and wrong” women are. And he always seems to be comparing his new girlfriend to his last lover.

It’s human nature to do a little comparing. As you get to know a new lover, you can’t help but compare her to your last girlfriend. But gentlemen, keep it to yourself. Most women do not want to hear about how they measure up to the last wife or girlfriend. When Mr. Baggage Man says, “My ex-wife always loved my jokes” or “My old girlfriend liked it when I sat around watching football on TV,” he doesn’t realize that he’s about to have another ex-girlfriend.

 

Mr. Tool

Calling a man a “tool” is not a compliment. We’re not talking about a guy who can fix anything around the house. Mr. Tool thinks he’s God’s gift to women. He is hot and he knows it. Of course, he’s never as hot as he thinks he is, but you can’t convince him of that. Mr. Tool is so full of himself that he thinks every woman should be flattered just to be in his presence. Because of his inflated opinion of himself, he usually treats women like crap. Sure, some women will put up with this kind of behavior for a while—as long as Mr. Tool looks like Brad Pitt and can show her a good time. But there’s a reason that Mr. Tool has a long string of relationships that don’t last very long. When you’re a jerk, no one wants to be around you.

 

Mama’s Boy

A woman wants a man who acts like a man. Men are supposed to make their own decisions and be responsible for themselves. It’s a real turn-off for a woman when she sees a man who still clings to his mother’s apron strings. It’s one thing for a man to treat his mother with respect and talk to her regularly about what’s going on in his life. But when he starts cancelling dates or previous commitments with his girlfriend so he can run over to his mother’s house to change a light bulb, that’s Mama’s Boy territory. Unfortunately, ladies, Mama can really turn on the guilt machine to get her Mama’s Boy to do what she wants. It’s really hard to compete with that. If he’s too much of a Mama’s Boy, then you might want to find a real man.

 

Mr. Cheapskate

There’s a wonderful magic in a relationship when a man is actively trying to win the heart of a woman. He wants to please her and he wants to impress her. And for centuries, one of the most successful ways to do this is for the man to treat her like a princess by taking her to fine restaurants, taking her to concerts, buying her flowers and finding pleasant ways to spend his hard-earned money on her. The early phase of a relationship can be an expensive proposition for a man, but if he wants to win the heart of a woman, being generous and gracious is a proven path to success.

But here in the era of gender equality and women who earn good incomes, sometimes a man can start to think that he shouldn’t pay for everything. Taken to the extreme, a guy like this starts to look like Mr. Cheapskate. If a man asks a woman out on a date—especially a first, second or third date—he should pay for it. When a woman graciously offers to pay for dessert, don’t become Mr. Cheapskate. Instead, graciously thank her and decline. Mr. Cheapskate doesn’t want to spend his money on a woman, because that leaves him less money to spend on computer games and expensive toys. But what kind of message does that send to the woman he’s with?

Chad Stone is the author of Confessions of a Middle-AgedBabe Magnet and Babe Magnet Rules ofDating Over 50. Both books are available at Amazon.com.