Are We Having Fun Yet?

Back when I was newly single and just getting back into dating, I noticed that some of my single friends talked about dating as if it were a major chore. To them, going on a first date was much like going to a meeting that you’d rather not attend.

In other words, dating sounded like work.

Wait a minute, I thought. Isn’t dating supposed to be FUN? Isn’t the search for a new girlfriend (or boyfriend) supposed to be exciting? Isn’t finding the love of your life worthy of some excitement?

Maybe that’s what’s wrong with dating for too many single adults. And maybe, just maybe, that’s why they are unsuccessful at dating. They can’t find that special someone because they aren’t having fun during the search. Maybe their bad vibes are actually keeping Mr. Wonderful (or Ms. Fabulous) away.

Ladies, let me give you some friendly advice about men. We’re not all serious all of the time. Sure, we work hard at our jobs and we take our jobs seriously. But we like to have fun, too. And most of us single men go out on dates to have fun and meet lovely new women. Dates aren’t supposed to feel like work.

When we meet a sad, dour-faced woman for a date, we are not amused. We don’t go out looking for a bad time. No man ever wrote, “For a bad time call 555-1369” on a bathroom wall. Women who don’t know how to enjoy themselves don’t get asked out for a second date. If you’ve ever wondered why he didn’t call you again after your first date, maybe it’s because you weren’t any fun to be with.

Men, the same thing goes for you. If you show up for a date looking like you’d rather be somewhere else, the lovely lady you are with will not be impressed with you. If you can’t brighten her mood with an inviting smile and a good sense of humor, then you aren’t making a good impression. Women aren’t looking for a bad time, either.

So what’s the answer? Lighten up! When I began my dating adventure, I promised myself that I would have fun. In my book, Confessions of a Middle-Aged Babe Magnet, available from amazon.com, I describe my journey—and I am (mostly) having a good time during the dating phase of my life. For me, meeting new women was fun and energizing.

Of course, when I went out with a woman who was too nervous to enjoy herself, or in a bad mood, or not completely over her last breakup, it wasn’t much fun. So I moved on.

Can dating success really come down to one simple thing—fun? Maybe. Not having the “fun factor” was a deal-breaker for me. A woman who didn’t seem to enjoy herself did not get a call-back from me.

So if you’re stuck in a dating rut and you can’t seem to find the next love of your life, just relax and decide to enjoy the process. Take all the pressure off. Lighten up and have a little fun.

It might make all the difference.

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How NOT to Talk to a Woman

Sometimes it seems that men and women are speaking different languages. And, in a way, they are. According to John Gray in his most recent book, Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice, men are naturally motivated to communicate in ways that will lower stress in men. But men have no clue that this same style of communication may increase a woman’s stress level.

When a woman communicates, she is looking for a warm, supportive response. When she “shares” her concerns about a person or situation, she wants to be heard. Unfortunately, what a man hears is a problem—and his natural situation is to look for a solution or a way to dismiss the problem. That’s the way men are hardwired.

So he thinks he is being helpful when he expresses an opinion or offers a solution. She feels he’s either being cold and heartless or he simply isn’t hearing what she is saying.


Here are examples from John Gray of what NOT to say to a woman because it sounds dismissive:

 Don’t worry about it.
 Here’s what you should do…
 Just let it go.
 It’s not that important.
 That’s not what he means.
 Don’t get so upset.
 Don’t let them get to you like that.
 It’s simple, just say…
 All you have to do is…
 It’s not such a big deal.
 You shouldn’t feel that way.

Men mean for these short comments to be supportive. But women are likely to feel like they are insulting and perhaps condescending.

Instead of jumping in with a “fix-it” comment, try listening. Make reassuring and sympathetic comments. Use supporting comments such as “Tell me more” and “how did that make you feel?” Unless there’s an emergency and there’s water leaking all over the bathroom (or something equally as urgent), she doesn’t want you to fix her problem right now. She just wants to be heard.

To find out How NOT to Talk to a Man, read my most recent blog posting on www.datingwithoutdrama.com.

Do Pick Up Lines Really Work?

Sooner or later in the world of singlehood, the topic of pick up lines comes up. Many men want to find the ultimate, perfect thing to say to a woman. You know, the line that stops a woman in her tracks, makes her smile, and convinces her that you are worthy of serious consideration as dating material.

So, do pick-up lines actually work? Sorry guys, but the answer is no. There is no perfect line for every occasion and for every woman. God forbid, you use a "canned line" on a woman (such as, "Did it hurt?" and she says, "Did what hurt?" and then you say, "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?")-- and she laughs in your face because she thinks you're such a dweeb.

Since pick-up lines are always good fodder for blog posts, I was interested to hear from the folks at www.topdatingsites.com that they had posted a blog story about the Top 10 online pickup lines.

So I read the story. Some of the "lines" were mildly clever. I suppose that, when sent to the right woman in the right context, "You give great email" could strike the right tone between playful and provocative. And "Have I met you before?" is a great way to get an online conversation going.

But some of the "Top 10" were just lame. Who is going to believe "You look like Halle Berry only hotter"? And asking for her astrological sign? Didn't that go out of style in 1975?

The story did nothing to convince me that using predetermined pickup lines is a good way to impress anyone. The best way to impress someone is to be your honest, good-natured self. (Sorry, but if you're not honest or good natured, you are basically screwed.)

By the way, according to my limited experience and friend-to-friend research, the best pickup line ever is "Hello" delivered with a genuine smile. Then introduce yourself.

Try it. It works.