Has Online Dating Gone Too Far?

Have you noticed how comfortable people are with the online world? Communicating with friends via text and Facebook, and with potential dates via online dating sites (such as Match.com, Cupid.com, eHarmony.com, etc.) now feels completely natural.

But maybe the whole online communication thing has gone too far. A recent study by the Performics marketing firm found that 40% of Americans said they felt more comfortable communicating with people online (or via a device) than in person. Almost half—49%--would rather text than call, and 30% would rather connect with their closest friends by using Facebook and other social media sites than by calling or talking in person.

Online Dating Advice

WTF?—as I might respond in a text. We’ve become a nation of people who are more comfortable gazing at a tiny video screen and punching in a message with our thumbs than engrossed in a friendly, face-to-face conversation.

Another survey by Forrester says that 38% of online adults in the USA can be defined as “always accessible.” You can always reach them online or via their mobile phone! In addition, a large percentage of those who are not always accessible are so connected that they access the internet multiple times per day from multiple locations.

What’s going on here? Have we forgotten how to talk to each other? The short answer is: Yes. So if I were to summarize all of this in a piece of online dating advice, I would say this: give all of those electronic devices a rest.

Be Smarter than Your Phone

Now let me say that I am not anti-technology. I love my smart phone. I’m not sure how I could live without it. I love to use it to check sports scores and emails. And I  love using it as a phone—you know, to actually talk to someone. Sending emails and text messages and Facebook posts is a fine way to send little bits of information and send cute pictures of cats. But when you really want to communicate, you need to talk to the other person.

Am I sounding old-fashioned here? Maybe. Probably. But I’m right about this, dammit. Anyone who has read my book, Confessions of a Middle-Aged Babe Magnet, is not going to be surprised to hear me say this. I’ve even got a Babe Magnet Rule about this. (You can look it up.)

Four Things You Should Never Do by Text

I feel strongly about this, so I’ve put together a short list of expert dating advice about using texts, emails and other electronic media. Here are four things you, as a single person in the dating world, should never do via text:

1. Ask someone out on a date. Men, don’t be a weenie. Call the woman up and talk with her and make her feel desirable. She will love you for it.

2. Cancel a date. Any kind of date—one that resulted from an online dating site or one that was the result of meeting someone in person. This is good advice for both men and women. If you need to cancel, make a phone call. Using a text message to cancel is the easy way out. Talking directly with the person shows the strength of your character.

3. Saying anything important. Can you imagine a world in which a man tells a woman “I Love You” for the first time via text? God, I hope not.

4. Breaking up. I have been on the receiving end of breakup emails. I know people who have sent and received breakup text messages. I think this is a chickensh*t thing to do. Sure, it’s easier. But man-up and give the woman a call. Show a little courage and integrity.

I am sure there are hundreds of other instances when talking to someone is better than sending a short, cold, impersonal text message. Please comment on this post with one kind of communication you think should NEVER be done via a text message.

Remember why they call that device in your pocket or purse a cell phone. It was designed to be used for talking to other people. Give the text function a rest and make a phone call. Better still, use the phone call to set up a face-to-face meeting. 

That’s what a date is, people. Face-to-face and in person. That’s when the chemistry happens. Chemistry NEVER EVER happens during a text message. Think about that the next time you’re about to send a text.

When It’s Time to Say Goodbye

Relationships are wonderful. Right? Isn’t that why we all love to be paired up with someone special? Isn’t that why millions of us who aren’t in relationships spend billions of dollars on online dating services like match.com and other matchmaking services? Isn’t that why we agonize about the relationships we’re in when things aren’t going well?



The short answer is “Yes.”



But unfortunately, sometimes relationships run their course. Some romantic relationships aren’t built to last. Or maybe they could have lasted, but we choose to give up on them instead.



So, when is the right time to end a relationship?



That’s what Mitchelon Humperdickfrankenfurter (not his real name) recently asked himself. He had been seeing Jennifer Lopez (the singer, but not the famous one) for nearly a year. Their lives had become comfortably enmeshed. They spent weekends together. They saw each other during the week. They had meet each others’ kids and parents. They were a couple.



In the past week, they became uncoupled. It was Mitch who decided it was time. He and Jenn had gone to Barbados together for 10 days in the tropics. But the trip was not all bliss, and it was clear to Mitch that his relationship with Jenn was stuck.



When I asked Mitch why he decided to have the dreaded “breakup talk” with Jenn, he said it was all about passion. He wasn’t feeling the heat, the passion in the relationship that he wanted. Sure, Jenn was nice, level-headed and dependable—but there weren’t any sparks in their relationship.



What Mitch also admitted was that there weren’t many sparks in the relationship even in the beginning—when you expect them the most. Mitch was hoping that the chemistry between them would erupt into flames over time, but that never happened.



When they got back from their vacation, he broke the news gently to Jenn. It turns out, she was feeling the same way. She wasn’t feeling any sparks for Mitch, either. So the good news was, the feelings (or lack thereof) were mutual. They collected their respective possessions from their respective houses, and they split as amicably as possible.



When is the right time to end a relationship? For Mitch and Jenn, it was when their hearts told them that they wanted more. They wanted more passion, and they were no longer to settle for anything less.



I wish them both nothing but the best, and I hope they both find lots of passion in their next relationships.

-- Chad Stone
----- For more thoughts on relationships and breakups, read my book, Confessions of a Middle-Aged Babe Magnet. And check out my web page at www.middleagedbabemagnet.com.

Be Careful What You Wish For

I've always loved the "be careful what you wish for" advice, because it reminds us that the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence-- at least not in the way that we expected.

A single friend of mine, let's call him Carlos, had been seeing Maria for almost six months. But there were some red flags in the relationship. Maria seemed overly sensitive at times, and at other times she acted like a petulant teenager.

So Carlos wished for clarity. He wanted to know if he should invest more emotional energy in the relationship. He wanted to know if Maria was "the one"-- or whether she had the potential to be.

The two of them had been on long weekend trips together, and the longest time they had spent continuously together was about four days. When a great deal on a 15-day trip to Europe arrived via email, Carlos jumped on it. He and Maria excitedly began preparing for their big trip.

Well, the trip ended last week. The first week or so was great. They enjoyed exploring new places together and indulging in delicious and exotic foods. But then Maria grew short-tempered. She got bitchy and was not fun to be with. (I haven't heard her side of the story. She might say that Carlos started to get too demanding or too picky or...) Halfway through the trip, they had a fight.

And Carlos got the clarity he wanted. It became very clear to him that Maria was not "the one." She refused to take any responsibility for the relationship trouble that she and Carlos were having, and she continued to act out.

Carlos and Maria have officially broken up. So there will soon be two more single baby boomers on match.com or eHarmony.com or whatever.

Does Carlos wish things had turned out differently? Well, maybe a little bit. But at the same time, he knows that things have worked out for the best. He isn't really surprised that he and Maria are no longer a couple.

That's another thing about getting what you wish for. In dating, as in life, sometimes what you get isn't a big surprise at all.