Do Pick Up Lines Really Work?

Sooner or later in the world of singlehood, the topic of pick up lines comes up. Many men want to find the ultimate, perfect thing to say to a woman. You know, the line that stops a woman in her tracks, makes her smile, and convinces her that you are worthy of serious consideration as dating material.

So, do pick-up lines actually work? Sorry guys, but the answer is no. There is no perfect line for every occasion and for every woman. God forbid, you use a "canned line" on a woman (such as, "Did it hurt?" and she says, "Did what hurt?" and then you say, "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?")-- and she laughs in your face because she thinks you're such a dweeb.

Since pick-up lines are always good fodder for blog posts, I was interested to hear from the folks at www.topdatingsites.com that they had posted a blog story about the Top 10 online pickup lines.

So I read the story. Some of the "lines" were mildly clever. I suppose that, when sent to the right woman in the right context, "You give great email" could strike the right tone between playful and provocative. And "Have I met you before?" is a great way to get an online conversation going.

But some of the "Top 10" were just lame. Who is going to believe "You look like Halle Berry only hotter"? And asking for her astrological sign? Didn't that go out of style in 1975?

The story did nothing to convince me that using predetermined pickup lines is a good way to impress anyone. The best way to impress someone is to be your honest, good-natured self. (Sorry, but if you're not honest or good natured, you are basically screwed.)

By the way, according to my limited experience and friend-to-friend research, the best pickup line ever is "Hello" delivered with a genuine smile. Then introduce yourself.

Try it. It works.

Be Careful What You Wish For

I've always loved the "be careful what you wish for" advice, because it reminds us that the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence-- at least not in the way that we expected.

A single friend of mine, let's call him Carlos, had been seeing Maria for almost six months. But there were some red flags in the relationship. Maria seemed overly sensitive at times, and at other times she acted like a petulant teenager.

So Carlos wished for clarity. He wanted to know if he should invest more emotional energy in the relationship. He wanted to know if Maria was "the one"-- or whether she had the potential to be.

The two of them had been on long weekend trips together, and the longest time they had spent continuously together was about four days. When a great deal on a 15-day trip to Europe arrived via email, Carlos jumped on it. He and Maria excitedly began preparing for their big trip.

Well, the trip ended last week. The first week or so was great. They enjoyed exploring new places together and indulging in delicious and exotic foods. But then Maria grew short-tempered. She got bitchy and was not fun to be with. (I haven't heard her side of the story. She might say that Carlos started to get too demanding or too picky or...) Halfway through the trip, they had a fight.

And Carlos got the clarity he wanted. It became very clear to him that Maria was not "the one." She refused to take any responsibility for the relationship trouble that she and Carlos were having, and she continued to act out.

Carlos and Maria have officially broken up. So there will soon be two more single baby boomers on match.com or eHarmony.com or whatever.

Does Carlos wish things had turned out differently? Well, maybe a little bit. But at the same time, he knows that things have worked out for the best. He isn't really surprised that he and Maria are no longer a couple.

That's another thing about getting what you wish for. In dating, as in life, sometimes what you get isn't a big surprise at all.

Ahhhh, a new romance!

My friend, Craig, is a true middle-aged babe magnet, and he loves every minute of it. He loves to be admired by women. He has also been suffering from a broken heart, so he has deliberately been an elusive dating target. He hasn't wanted to become involved with a woman, so he's been casually dating for quite a while. To his credit, he has been basically celibate during this time, because he is self-aware enough to know that he hasn't been emotionally available.

But all of that has changed. Now he is smitten for the first time in three years.

He freely admits to being smitten. And, ironically, he's not entirely happy about it. He doesn't like being the one who cares whether she calls him back. He doesn't like being the one who is getting butterflies and spikes in his pulse rate. He doesn't like being the one who is distracted by amorous thoughts. He has a business to run, dammit!

I am thoroughly enjoying Craig's predicament. It's fun to watch him get flustered, It's fun to give him dating advice when he acts like a lovestruck dweeb. (More on this in a future post.) We've all been captured by the promise of new love. We've all been there and done that.

Basically, my advice to Craig is: enjoy it! Enjoy that delicious feeling of not being in total control. Get out of your "male brain" and go with the flow. Love is a ride down a rushing river. At this stage, just enjoy the ride!

Where Are All the Good Men/Women?

How many times have you heard this: "Where are all the good men (women)?" The answer is simple: everywhere.

One of the best pieces of dating advice I ever received was that I should go out and do what I like to do. I would meet a wonderful woman who was doing the same thing, and we would have at least one thing in common. This works, based upon the personal experiences of many friends.

That's not exactly the way it worked for me. I went down the cyber pathway. I joined an online dating site. Yep, I met my fiancee on match.com.

According to a 2006 report by the Pew Research Center, 26% of Americans know someone who has found a date online. Today's figure is probably quite a bit higher.

There are now more than 800 dating web sites from which to choose. Match.com is probably the best known, because that's the site that started it all. But Yahoo Personals actually has more participants. You can join Beliefnet.com, SoulMatch.com, WealthyMen.com, blacksingles.com, christianmingle.com, jdate.com (for Jewish singles), cougarwomen.net, starmatch.com (I'm a Libra!), and hundreds more. At any moment there will be BowlingSingles.com and LeftHandedPingPongSingles.com.

My point is simply this: there is not shortage of ways to meet someone. Just make up your mind that you are going to meet the perfect person for you, and get out there (either literally or online). Don't be one of those people whose relationship is with the excuse that the right person isn't out there.

End of my sermon. What do you think?

Save as Draft book review

I recently received a review copy of Save as Draft, a delightful new novel by Cavanaugh Lee that traces the thoroughly modern dating and relationship life of Izabell, a wactress (waitress/actress) turned lawyer. The “hook” of this book is that it is comprised entirely of the texts, emails and tweets that Izabell and her friends send and receive.

The story begins with the eHarmony messages that Izabell receives about Martin (her “Match #6”) and Martin receives about Izabell (his “Match #137”). Alas, their promising romance will not immediately blossom, primarily because of Izabell’s growing fascination with her co-worker, Peter.

The telling of this story through emails and texts is both brilliant and frustrating. We all know that emails (and especially texts) have their pitfalls. Sure, they are instantaneous, but they lack the voice inflections of telephone calls and the context-rich nonverbal cues of face-to-face conversations. Because of this, Save as Draft is chatty and superficial. The characters hope, dream and fall in and out of love, but we (the readers) only get glimpses of their internal agonies and ecstasies.

The brilliance of the novel is in the emails that the characters write to each other but do not send. (These are “saved as draft,” which is where the title of the book is derived.) These unsent emails are the heartfelt communications that the characters SHOULD be sending. When Peter is falling for Izabell, he writes several “I love you” emails that he never sends. I wanted to slap him upside the head. Send the damn emails, you weenie! You’re not going to get the girl if she doesn’t know how you feel about her!

Save as Draft is a witty, well-written novel that provides valuable insight to the joys and pitfalls of dating in the internet age. It also serves as a warning for those of us who might rely too heavily on electronic forms of communication. In the humble opinion of this Middle-Aged Babe Magnet, texts and emails are best used as bridges between actual conversations. It’s too easy to misinterpret the sterile words on a computer screen or smart phone. That’s why emoticons and text shorthand (lol, omg) were developed to add meaning and emotion to cold, typed words.

I happen to be a big fan of technology. I am, after all, posting this on a blog—and I met my fiancée on match.com. I have first-hand knowledge of the value of using technology in dating and communicating. But when I have something important to say to my beloved, I want to gaze right into her beautiful eyes.

The Myth of the Noncommittal Male

Answer this question: are men or women less likely to commit to a long-term relationship?

You said men, didn't you?

That's the prevailing wisdom, but that's not necessarily correct. According to what TIME magazine calls "the biggest study of single people, ever," single men are just as likely to want to get married as single women.

Shocking, huh?

Not if you understand men. Yes, sometimes they can be flakey, elusive and hard to pin down. But once a man falls for a woman, he REALLY falls. And that's when a man is MORE LIKELY to want to commit to a long-term relationship than a woman.

The aforementioned study surveyed 5,200 people ages 21 to 65+ to find out why people commit to marriage-- and why they don't. The study was funded by match.com and carried out by independent researchers. The findings showed that men were more likely to want to get married when they were younger (in the 21-24 years-old range) and when they were older (about 55 to 65). In between, women were more likely to say they wanted to get married. But throughout the entire 21-65 years curve, the difference between men's and women's desires for marriage weren't all that different.

Other interesting info from this study:

-- More than half the single men ages 21 to 35 wanted kids, while only 46% of women did.

-- Women seem to value their independence more than men. For example, 66% of women in a relationship have their own bank account, while only 47% of men do.

-- Women are pickier about whom they date than men are. 83% of men are flexible about the religious beliefs of their dates, while 62% of women are.

Is the 21 century really a brave new world for dating and commitments? Perhaps. Our post-modern society has given women lots of options besides marriage. Many women are opting for the career life rather than the "mom and wife" life. And there's nothing wrong with either choice.

So ladies, if you think that men are all a bunch of jerks who run away from any sign of a long-term committed relationship, please think again. Don't paint us all with the same brush. Some of us are just fine with making commitments-- including saying goodbye to dating and "I do" to marriage.

Dating Success Story!

Good news, fellow daters. I am now a dating success story. My wonderful girlfriend (who I met on match.com) has agreed to marry me! So you can now call me a dating success story.

Consequently, I am now going to change the focus of this blog. I am going to share some insights on the dating process. I am going to share what worked for me--and what has worked for others. I am going to explore the adventure of middle-aged dating from the perspective of how to succeed.

My goal in dating (online or otherwise) was always to find the love of my life. I assume that your goal is also to find the love of your life. So feel free to ask questions. Feel free to make comments. I will try to pass along my dating wisdom, my relationship advice, and whatever words of encouragement that I can provide. Not that I know everything. But I have learned a few things about male-female relationships, and I'm a very good listener.

Remember always that life is an adventure. There is humor to be found throughout our adventures. Just keep your eyes open, your heart open, and look for the best in people. If you look for love, you will find it.