The Final Word on How to Have a Great First Date

During our last two posts, we talked about how to have a great first date. There’s all the first date prep. There’s getting your great first date look together so you make an awesome first impression. There’s choosing the right location for your great first date. And, of course, you need to know what to talk about—and also which topics to NOT talk about.

In many ways, a first date is like a job interview. You are applying for the opening for Girlfriend (or Boyfriend), and your goal is to get to the next interview. How do you do that? Start by asking good questions. Listen to the answers.  Show that you are interested in your date and what he or she says. Reveal some positive things about yourself and your interests in an unforced, conversational way. Smile and enjoy yourself!

"You're hired!" Well, that's sort of what a first date can be like.

 

You might indeed be on a “job interview” of sorts, but a first date is actually much more than that. Sure, you’ve got to make a good impression and reveal the best aspects of your personality. But you also have to get to know the person sitting across from you. Because if a first date really is a job interview, it’s a two-way job interview. You’re both interviewing each other, and it’s only successful if you both shine.

You know how to tell if your date is clicking? The time just FLIES by. The two of you never run out of things to say. That’s how it was for Mueller when he first met Daphne. Mueller had been on quite a few dates. He was almost a professional dater, because he was very picky and he was looking for the love of his life. When he met Daphne for dinner at his favorite Italian restaurant, he was starting to wonder if he had been too picky. But Daphne had a smile that dazzled him, and Mueller had a gentle way about him that touched Daphne’s heart. They both couldn’t stop smiling at each other, and they made each other laugh. The longer they talked, the more they had in common.

 

You've heard of the expression "time flies." No, it's not a literal thing, not matter how good this illustration is. But time whizzing by is one thing that makes a great first date, well, great.

Then, there was the big C-word—Chemistry. It’s difficult to describe chemistry using words, but most of us know it when we feel it. Chemistry is a biological, physical and emotional attraction to another person. Both Mueller and Daphne felt the chemistry that night. Chemistry isn’t logical, so you can sometimes overthink it and talk yourself out of it.

No. Not this kind of chemistry. The Good Kind of chemistry.

 

Fortunately, Mueller and Daphne felt the chemistry that night, and they paid attention to it. Their romance is still going strong, and it looks like it will be going strong for years to come.

And that, my friends, is why you go out on a first date. Because sometimes, if you’re lucky and if you’re paying attention, the chemistry cooks and the stars align and that first date leads to the love of your life.

All you need is love.

 

For more tips on how to meet the love of your life, read Chad Stone’s self-help memoir Confessions of a Middle-Aged Babe Magnet. The book was recently named a finalist for Best Self Help Book by the prestigious New Mexico/Arizona Book Awards.   

 

How to Have a Great First Date (Part 2)

Our discussion on the topic, How to Have a Great First Date continues...

 

You’re all ready for a great first date with someone you barely know. Your body is clean, your clothes are clean, and you’re dressed for dating success. You are ready to meet the love of your life. (Hey, it could happen. I know this from personal experience-- because it happened to me.)

Gentlemen, if you are following the rules I set out in my book, Babe Magnet Rules of Dating Over 50, you selected a suitable location for this great first date.



This is NOT a good choice for a first date. Never, ever.

 

If this is a “meet and greet” date, then you’re probably meeting at a Starbucks of a similar local coffee spot. There is nothing wrong with a coffee date. It’s a casual, low-pressure way to get to know someone. If her or she sparks your interest, great! If not, it’s no harm no foul, and you can move on.



A first date that doesn't work out is like incidental contact in a basketball game. "No harm, no foul."

(Photo by the Birmingham News)

 

If you want to make a bigger first impression, then you have invited her to dine with you at a nice, but not too fancy, restaurant. In an age of “meet and greet” first dates, a real dinner date is a great way to get a woman’s attention.

Now, follow Babe Magnet Rule #30: Be the first to arrive for a date—especially a first date. Give yourself a few minutes to claim the place as your own. This will give you extra confidence and help put you in command of the date. And Babes love a confident man.

When you meet your date, use your best old-school manners. Guys, look your date in the eyes and tell her how glad you are to meet her. Girls, look him in the eyes and smile. He will melt.



It doesn't take much for a woman to melt a man. A nice smile will do it every time.

 

So, now what? What should you talk about? And what topics should you avoid? Well, the number one topic you should NOT talk about on a first date is ex-spouses and ex-lovers. The trouble with talking about ex-lovers is that it’s an emotionally charged topic. Love Gone Bad is not a fun topic, and relationship breakups are not happy events. Do you really want to travel into the Black Hole of a Dead Relationship with someone you barely know? I think not.

Here’s the best thing that could happen when you talk about your ex. You say something like, “My ex-wife is a wonderful person, but over the years we grew less and less compatible.” That sounds reasonable, right? You’re over your ex and you’re not bitter. On some days, you’re so enlightened that your friends call you Gandhi. But you still run the risk of your date only hearing the “my ex-wife is a wonderful person” part and now she’s wondering if you’re really over her yet.

 

Try not to talk about ex-lovers, religion or politics on a first date.

 

So, what do you talk about? Fun stuff. Positive stuff. Amusing things that have happened to you lately. Before your date, think about some fun stuff you can talk about. One way to avoid the dreaded AWKWARD SILENCE OF A FIRST DATE is to always have a few little stories to tell.

I suggest that everyone have three “talk show stories” that they can tell during a date or any social setting. These are the kinds of stories that are fun, easy to listen to, and don’t challenge anyone’s beliefs or opinions.

Back when I was single and was a self-proclaimed Middle-Aged Babe Magnet, I used to tell a funny story about my youngest son. (Almost anyone can appreciate a funny kid story.) I also told the story about how my cat adopted me after my dog died. (Women love heartwarming stories about pets.)



Awwwwwww!

 

Another topic that always seemed to work was a lighthearted review of some of my worst first dates. Women also like to share their bad date experiences. Bingo, you’ve got a pleasant conversation going. Just make sure that your bad date stories don’t reveal anything troubling about you—like showing up late for dates, getting drunk on dates, or forgetting to wear pants.

Once again, we’re out of time here at the Middle-Aged Babe Magnet Blog. Next time we finish the topic of How to Have a Great First Date with the best tip ever about how to ensure that you’ll get a second date.

Chad Stone is the author of Confessions of a Middle-Aged Babe Magnet and Babe Magnet Rules of Dating Over 50. Both books are available at Amazon.com.

 

 

 

How to Have a Great First Date (Part 1)

Is there anything as nerve-wracking as a first date? Of course there is. A root canal is no picnic, and neither is a vasectomy. But when it comes to a social encounter with a fellow civilized human being, then yes, a first date ranks up near the top of the Industrial Strength Deodorant moments.

What should you wear? Ladies, here's a little dating advice: you want to look cute and maybe a little sexy—without looking skanky. A little black dress that might be perfect for a nighttime dinner date is probably over the top for an afternoon “meet and greet” at Starbucks.

 

A little black dress might be fine for a nighttime date with someone you already know well. But for a first date at Starbucks? I don't think so.

 

Should you wear lipstick on a first date? If you’re a woman—absolutely. Deep red lipstick for a daytime first date? Probably not.

And men, what should you wear? Some good dating advice would be to start with pants. Wearing pants on a date is always a good idea. Wear clean pants, not the crusty jeans you’ve been wearing all week. Don’t wear ratty, worn out shorts. And wear a nice shirt---no t-shirts and not some wrinkled thing you found lying on your bedroom floor.

What is it with men’s fashion these days, anyway? The average man looks so “casual” that, in previous decades, he would qualify as a total slob. Even millionaires look like slobs. What’s up with that? With all their money, they can get away with looking like slobs. But unless you have literally millions of dollars, show your date a little respect and dress nicer that you would if you were going out with the guys.



Can you say "Bad Hair Day?" Gentlemen, this is not a good look when you're trying to impress a woman.



Along those same dating advice lines, gentlemen, what’s with the bedhead hair? Don’t you own a comb? I love the line from the old Rod Stewart song, “Combed my hair in a thousand ways, but I turned out looking just the same.” Mind you, this is from the guy who invented the rooster hair look. But at least he TRIED to get his hair to look good.

Ladies, you need very little dating advice help in picking out shoes that are appropriate for a first date. Just don’t wear those GIANT wedgies that make you look wobbly and top heavy. Men think those shoes are really silly.

No, no, no, no, no!

 

Men, you need a lot more help than that when picking out shoes. A typical man will wear the first pair of shoes that he sees in his closet. Since he just wore his ratty old athletic shoes, those are the one he will wear to his first date. 

Guys, these shoes are SO CLOSE to working. But, no.

 

Gentlemen, for the love of God, ask a female friend for advice about which shoes to wear. I know you think this is stupid, but it’s not. Women will notice your shoes. You don’t want to be one of those guys who doesn’t get the girl because he was wearing ugly or stupid shoes.

OK. You’ve got yourself looking good (ladies) and looking just barely good enough (men). Now put a very small amount of perfume or cologne on. You don’t want to smell like the perfume counter at Macy’s. You want a faint, pleasant smell that doesn’t call attention to itself. Men, use about one-tenth the amount that you think you should use. Otherwise you’re going to stink up your first date with the smell of a gay man/wimpy metrosexual, and heterosexual women are not looking for gays or wimps.

Now you’re ready to walk out the door for your first date, but we’ve run out of time here at the Middle-Aged Babe Magnet blog.

Coming up next time: what to talk about and what you should NEVER talk about on a first date.

Chad Stone is the author of Confessions of a Middle-AgedBabe Magnet and Babe Magnet Rules ofDating Over 50. Both books are available at Amazon.com.

 

 

When the Government Becomes a Matchmaker

It’s stressful enough when Mom wants you to get married. She turns into a matchmaker. “Why don’t you go out with …?” becomes a frequent question. She nags, she questions, and she probes into your personal life. She’s on hyper alert for every mention of a single man, a single woman, or an upcoming wedding. So imagine what a downer it is when the government wants you to get married and turns into a matchmaker, too.

 

Need a matchmaker? Try a speed dating event like this one!

That is exactly what’s happening in South Korea. The country is in a tizzy about falling birthrates, but it is still tied to conservative ideas about marriage and babies. So the government of South Korea is pushing its single citizens to match up, already.

 According to a recent story in the New York Times, solving the difficulties of South Korea’s hopelessly single men and women has become a national priority. So much so, in fact, that the government has been sponsoring dozens of speed dating parties in the hopes that Mr. Wong can meet Miss Right. (NOTE: I couldn’t resist using the previous line. It’s punny. Nevermind that Wong isn’t even a Korean name. Please forgive me.)

South Korea once depended on arranged courtships to produce weddings and marriages. Until the 1980s, young people relied upon family connections and hired a Patti Stanger (or maybe two Patti Stangers) to help find their spouses. But as young adults moved from ancestral villages to bigger cities, the traditional social/matchmaking networks started to break down. More and more families started turning to dating services that performed background checks. Today, arranged matches are becoming a thing of the past. So, in 2010, the Ministry of Health and Welfare began actively promoting dating parties and held four parties that year that brought together workers and employees at local corporations.

 I once went to a speed dating event myself. It was sponsored by Cupid.com rather than Uncle Sam. I approached the event as a grand adventure, and I ended up enjoying the evening. I met 13 single women that night, and I dated three of them. But, alas, I did not meet the last love of my life, and I did not get married as a result of attending the speed dating event.

The government of South Korea has had some success as a matchmaker, however. Couples who have met at the government-sponsored dating event have tied the knot.

 
All of this begs the question: how would you react to your government setting up dating parties? Would you attend if Big Brother was pushing for you to get married? Would you be open to the possibility of meeting your future wife at a government-sponsored event?

 How about if a hefty tax refund was part of the deal?

 This is Chad Stone, author of The Babe Magnet Rules of Dating Over 50, signing off.

Old Dating Advice for Men that Still Works

Ooo baby. Stylin' in 18th century clothes.

The more dating changes, the more it stays the same

Ever wonder how you should talk to a woman? Men have wanted to know how to behave and what to talk about on dates for centuries. A book called A Gentleman’s Guide to Etiquette was published in 1875, and some of the dating advice for men is still pretty good. Sure, you have to get past the old-fashioned language. But the 138-year-old dating advice for men tips still ring true, which proves that if your great-great grandfather were alive today, he might be able to help you become a babe magnet.

So let’s have a look at some dating advice for men from 1875, and tweak it just a little to make it relevant dating advice for men and women in 2013.

 

When on a date… “It is ill-bred to put on an air of weariness during a long speech from another person, and quite as rude to look at a watch, read a letter …  or in any other action show that you are tired of the speaker or his subject.” In dating advice for men and women in 2013, that means put your damn cell phone away and pay attention to what your date is saying.

 “If you have traveled … do not be constantly speaking of your journeyings. Nothing is more tiresome than a man who commences every phrase with, ‘When I was in Paris,’ or, ‘In Italy I saw…’” In dating advice for men in 2013, this also applies to the name-dropping of famous people. Do not mention Brad Pitt, Jennifer Lopez, or any other celebrity just to make yourself sound cool.

“A man of real intelligence and cultivated mind is generally modest. He may feel when in everyday society, that in intellectual acquirements he is above those around him; but he will not seek to make his companions feel their inferiority, nor try to display this advantage over them.” Amen, baby. If you try to sound superior, you’ll sound like an a-hole.

“To be a good listener is as indispensable as to be a good talker, and it is in the character of listener that you can most readily detect the man who is accustomed to good society.” Don’t bogart the conversation, men. You have two ears and one mouth for a reason. You should listen twice as much as you talk. If your date is shy, ask some questions about herself to get her started.

“Never notice it if others make mistakes in language. To notice by word or look such errors in those around you is excessively ill-bred.” Well, you’ll probably notice poor word choice and improper pronunciation, but don’t make fun of it. You ain’t no Einstein yourself.

“Avoid boasting. To speak of your money, connections, or the luxuries at your command is in very bad taste.” That’s still good dating advice for women and men. If you try to impress a date with your money and possessions, you will end up with someone who only cares about money and possessions.

It is extremely rude and pedantic, when engaged in general conversation, to make quotations in a foreign language. Or better yet, don’t speak in a “foreign” language unless your date also speaks the language.

A lady of sense will feel more complimented if you converse with her upon instructive, high subjects, than if you address to her only the language of compliment. In the latter case she will conclude that you consider her incapable of discussing higher subjects, and you cannot expect her to be pleased at being considered merely a silly, vain person, who must be flattered into good humor.” In other words, don’t talk about Fast & Furious 6. But if you get a hankering to talk about the Big Bang, go for it. (The Big Bang Theory, not the Big Bang TV show.)

This is Chad Stone, author of Confessions of a Middle-Aged Babe Magnet, signing off in a time-honored, respectful way. http://amzn.to/120GPWo

(Thanks to Chiara Atik at HowAboutWe.com for sharing these dating advice for men gems from 1875!)

 

 

5 Ways Men Kill Relationships

There are at least 5 ways that men kill relationships. Who am I kidding? There are probably 500. No wonder this woman looks so cranky.

Men aren’t always good at relationships. Sometimes men do stupid things to kill relationships. It says so right here in the “Duh” file. Sometimes men can be focused things like work and forget they have to invest some time and emotional energy in their love relationships. Sometimes men expect women to be just as simple as men are—which can really kill a relationship.

There are lots of relationship-killing behaviors that men cluelessly use to chase their women away. These relationship killers, when used excessively, can be described as relationship-killing personality types.

So here are five ways that men act that kill relationships.When they act like the characters that I describe below, women hit the road.

 

Mr. Needy

The first way that men kill relationships is by behaving like a needy, wimpy man. This is not attractive to a woman. In fact, it’s a complete turn-off. Most women are attracted to the masculine traits of strength, decisiveness, leadership and vision. When a woman lists what she’s looking for in a man, she never says, “I want a man with no self confidence and no friends, who needs my undivided attention constantly.” One of the reasons a man can turn into Mr. Needy is he falls for the woman before she falls for him. When that happens, he needs to make sure he doesn’t get whiny and wimpy.

 

The Baggage Man

We all arrive in a new relationship with some baggage. Some of us arrive on a first or second date with enough baggage for an around the world cruise. Some of us arrive with just a small overnight bag, and we tuck it under the table and never mention it.  Mr. Baggage Man doesn’t just have a lot of baggage—he’s attached to it. It defines who he is. He might have a bag packed with all of his broken-heart wounds. Another is filled with how “bad and wrong” women are. And he always seems to be comparing his new girlfriend to his last lover.

It’s human nature to do a little comparing. As you get to know a new lover, you can’t help but compare her to your last girlfriend. But gentlemen, keep it to yourself. Most women do not want to hear about how they measure up to the last wife or girlfriend. When Mr. Baggage Man says, “My ex-wife always loved my jokes” or “My old girlfriend liked it when I sat around watching football on TV,” he doesn’t realize that he’s about to have another ex-girlfriend.

 

Mr. Tool

Calling a man a “tool” is not a compliment. We’re not talking about a guy who can fix anything around the house. Mr. Tool thinks he’s God’s gift to women. He is hot and he knows it. Of course, he’s never as hot as he thinks he is, but you can’t convince him of that. Mr. Tool is so full of himself that he thinks every woman should be flattered just to be in his presence. Because of his inflated opinion of himself, he usually treats women like crap. Sure, some women will put up with this kind of behavior for a while—as long as Mr. Tool looks like Brad Pitt and can show her a good time. But there’s a reason that Mr. Tool has a long string of relationships that don’t last very long. When you’re a jerk, no one wants to be around you.

 

Mama’s Boy

A woman wants a man who acts like a man. Men are supposed to make their own decisions and be responsible for themselves. It’s a real turn-off for a woman when she sees a man who still clings to his mother’s apron strings. It’s one thing for a man to treat his mother with respect and talk to her regularly about what’s going on in his life. But when he starts cancelling dates or previous commitments with his girlfriend so he can run over to his mother’s house to change a light bulb, that’s Mama’s Boy territory. Unfortunately, ladies, Mama can really turn on the guilt machine to get her Mama’s Boy to do what she wants. It’s really hard to compete with that. If he’s too much of a Mama’s Boy, then you might want to find a real man.

 

Mr. Cheapskate

There’s a wonderful magic in a relationship when a man is actively trying to win the heart of a woman. He wants to please her and he wants to impress her. And for centuries, one of the most successful ways to do this is for the man to treat her like a princess by taking her to fine restaurants, taking her to concerts, buying her flowers and finding pleasant ways to spend his hard-earned money on her. The early phase of a relationship can be an expensive proposition for a man, but if he wants to win the heart of a woman, being generous and gracious is a proven path to success.

But here in the era of gender equality and women who earn good incomes, sometimes a man can start to think that he shouldn’t pay for everything. Taken to the extreme, a guy like this starts to look like Mr. Cheapskate. If a man asks a woman out on a date—especially a first, second or third date—he should pay for it. When a woman graciously offers to pay for dessert, don’t become Mr. Cheapskate. Instead, graciously thank her and decline. Mr. Cheapskate doesn’t want to spend his money on a woman, because that leaves him less money to spend on computer games and expensive toys. But what kind of message does that send to the woman he’s with?

Chad Stone is the author of Confessions of a Middle-AgedBabe Magnet and Babe Magnet Rules ofDating Over 50. Both books are available at Amazon.com.

The Magic of Great Relationships

“I think it's basically magic. There is such a thing as magic, and the Beatles were magic.”
 --  Paul McCartney, in a Rolling Stone interview, 2007

How is it that some relationships are like seeds that never sprout, some are like seedlings that die before really taking root, and some grow and flourish to produce an abundant harvest of love?

It’s basically magic. How else do you explain it?

That’s the way Paul McCartney explained why the Beatles’ music continues to speak to people after all these years. He didn’t say “we wrote great songs” or “we were good and we got lucky” or anything specific. He just said it was magic.

I think Paul McCartneyis right. There are times when magic takes over, and there’s no way to explain it logically. It happened with the Beatles. And sometimes it happens when two people meet each other.

I know this is true in relationships, because it happened to me.

When I was middle-aged, single and actively dating, there were times when I wondered why I was going on so many dates. Why was it taking so long to meet the right woman? Why was the process taking so long? What was I doing wrong? Where was the magic?

I had gotten really good at dating. I had mastered the fine art of the First Date, during which I would be witty and charming as I told funny stories that illustrated the highlights of my life. But in the 1.7 million first dates that I went on, there was precious little magic.

At first I thought I wasn’t trying hard enough. So I tried harder. I went out on more dates, and I learned even more about what women want in a man and how to present myself as that kind of man. (And I developed a list of Babe Magnet Rules to prove it.) Sometimes I got a little glimpse of magic, but it quickly (in a manner of days or weeks) vanished like a mirage in the desert.

A friend of mine thinks he may have found his magic. He and his lady have been together for many months, and their relationship continues to grow. From when I stand, it looks quite magical.

Another friend of mine, who I will call Asilla, has been dating a man for a couple of months. Whenever I watch them when they are together, he looks like a man who has found relationship magic, but she’s not so sure. So unless Asilla thinks there is magic in the relationship, there won’t be any magic for either of them. Relationship magic only happens when both parties feel it and embrace it.

So even though I wrote a book about dating and relationships—a book that’s packed full of practical advice about how to be the most attractive and desirable man or woman you can be, I still can’t offer much advice about how you can find magic.

But I do know this: you have to be open to the magic when it does come. If you’re shut down emotionally or if you’re simply not ready to embrace it, you’re not going to recognize relationship magic when it starts to bloom. You’ll walk away and wonder why the magic of love never arrives in your life.

Chad Stone

Author of Confessions of a Middle-Aged Babe Magnet

www.middleagedbabemagnet.com