Dating Success Story!

Good news, fellow daters. I am now a dating success story. My wonderful girlfriend (who I met on match.com) has agreed to marry me! So you can now call me a dating success story.

Consequently, I am now going to change the focus of this blog. I am going to share some insights on the dating process. I am going to share what worked for me--and what has worked for others. I am going to explore the adventure of middle-aged dating from the perspective of how to succeed.

My goal in dating (online or otherwise) was always to find the love of my life. I assume that your goal is also to find the love of your life. So feel free to ask questions. Feel free to make comments. I will try to pass along my dating wisdom, my relationship advice, and whatever words of encouragement that I can provide. Not that I know everything. But I have learned a few things about male-female relationships, and I'm a very good listener.

Remember always that life is an adventure. There is humor to be found throughout our adventures. Just keep your eyes open, your heart open, and look for the best in people. If you look for love, you will find it.

A Middle-Aged Babe Magnet Apology

I have been informed by a woman whose opinion I value greatly that my last post sucked. She said it was crass and an insult to women. She was offended by it.

OK. I have my Big Boy Boxers on and I can take a little criticism. I freely admit that the last post was deliberately over the top. I went over the line in an attempt to be funny. I included material that wasn’t true because it was meant as a joke. As I have learned over the years, funny is often in the eyes of the beholder.

Sometimes it comes back to bite you in the butt. Like now.

This is, by the way, why I would never make it as a politician. It wouldn’t take long for me to put my foot in my mouth and cause a scandal of global proportions.

So let’s take a moment to review the last post. The part about me receiving an email from eHarmony? It was a total fabrication. I repeated the text of a forwarded email that I received. I thought it was funny, in a crass, over-the-top, juvenile male way.

Women do not share this sense of humor. Consequently, I won’t be including any more of it in this blog.

Men, if you want to read sexually explicit jokes, you’re just going to have to go somewhere else. Sorry.

I was also “called on the carpet” for suggesting that online dating was for losers. (Actually, I quoted a female friend who told me that SHE THOUGHT online dating was for losers.)

Well, I don’t agree with her. As I said earlier, if she’s right then I’M A LOSER, TOO. She is entitled to her opinion, but I happen to think that online dating is a wonderful resource. What a great way to quickly peruse profiles of dozens of local single people in your local area. When used intelligently, online dating sites are a great way to get to know people you might not otherwise ever meet. Online dating is fabulous invention, and I have used it successfully myself.

And, no, I do not really think that women who use online dating sites are “loose.” That was also an attempt at a joke.

So, ladies, please do not be any more offended than you need to be. I meant it all in fun. I know that dating is tough enough without having to deal with male a-holes, but sometimes we (including me) just can’t help ourselves.

Hey, did you hear the one about the priest and the blind prostitute?

Oh, wait. Nevermind.

Going for that first kiss

A middle-aged friend of mine named Roscoe has been out with a woman twice. He hasn't kissed her yet, and he asked me for some advice.

It's kind of funny that middle-aged people would have any questions at all about kissing. We've been kissing our whole lives. Ah, but that first kiss with somone new. It's still an exciting moment-- I don't care how old you are.

So Roscoe asked me, should he ask her permission to kiss her, or should he just go ahead and move in for that first kiss when the time is right. It's a good question.

Most of the women I've talked to about this have said something like this: "I like it when a man makes the move. He doesn't need to ask me for permission. When I am ready for him to kiss me, I am giving him permission with my body language and my eyes. He should know it's time to move in for the kiss."

Plus, there is something romantic about a man taking the initiative that women like. Sure, we're all uber-enlightened and liberated in the gender-equal 21st century. But many of our dating rituals are just plain old-fashioned-- and men and women both seem to like it that way.

My advice to Roscoe was, "Watch for the signals. Let your body language communicate your interest, and when you get the same signals from her, go ahead and kiss her.

Hey, does anyone out there have a great "first kiss" story?

What Do Women Want?

I had the opportunity to ask two attractive middle-aged women what they want in a man. What is it that they are looking for?

Instead of telling me that they want good looks or financial stability, they said they were attracted to a man with confidence.

That's right, confidence.

Confidence turns them on. They love it when a man is confident enough to approach them in a restaurant or a bar or standing in line at Starbucks. They love it when a man has the confidence to say "hi" and strike up a conversation.

No rehearsed "pick-up" lines. No over-the-top arrogance. Just good old-fashioned confidence in being the kind of man that a woman would want to talk to.

Maybe that can explain why gorgeous women are sometimes seen with not-so-gorgeous men. It's the confidence, baby.

Sometimes the Middle-Aged Babe Magnet gets emails. Here's a recent one:

Dear Love Doctor:

There's that old sage about "third date sex." What do you think of
that? I know you were talking about being puzzled because you were on, like,
a 5th date and you hadn't had sex yet.

And (okay, I blush here, but I really do wanna know) but is it weird for
grownups to make out and with some pleasant groping and perhaps bare some
flesh on the second date or so and NOT go all the way? Or is it like college
and okay--you wanna do as much as possible but aren't ready to commit to sex
yet?

You seem to be the one sane straight male who I'm not dating that I can talk
to about this.

Sign me--

Wondering About Grown-up Sex in Nebraska


Dear Wondering About Sex:

Of course you're wondering about sex in Nebraska, since the average Nebraskan only has sex three times a year-- birthday, Valentine's Day and "Honey Got a Little Tipsy Day" (which is a random day that changes every year).

Bada-boom!

I used to think third-date sex was pretty standard for liberal, open-minded adults. Now I don't think there is a standard. It's all over the map.

I met somebody in a bar two weeks ago and went home with her that night. On the other hand, I just had date #8 (I think, maybe it was 7) with a Middle-Aged Babe I will call Marie-- and no sex. There isn't any rule. It seems to be different for everyone.

I can tell you from personal experience that some women seem to want to work up to sex. Date 2 might be passionate kissing. Date 3 might be passionate kissing and heavy above-the-waist fondling (sometimes with above-the-waist clothing removed). Date 4 might be below-the-belt fondling and playing. Date 5 might be naked intercourse (hooray!). There is nothing wrong with working up to The Big One. In fact, it can be fun. The anticipation can be delicious.

I hope that answers your questions. If not, please as a more specific follow-up question and The Love Doctor/Middle-Aged Babe Magnet will be happy to answer it.

Happy dating!

I Loved, I Lost, I Made Spaghetti

A woman named Giulia Melucci has a new book out called I Loved, I Lost, I Made Spaghetti. It’s a memoir about her dating life, but the hook is it also has recipes of some of the dishes that she has cooked for the men in her life.

I am very jealous of Ms. Melucci because not only did she get her book published by a big-time publishing company, she has already gotten stories about her book (and her life) in USA Today and the New York Times. It turns out that Giulia has also worked in publishing and has done p.r. for authors, so she’s very well connected.

I read the first few pages of her book on amazon.com, and then I Googled her and found her address in Brooklyn. So, more for a lark than anything, I wrote her a postcard:

Giulia—

I love your book and I love your sense of humor! I will fly across the country if you will cook a pasta dinner for me. I’ll bring a great bottle of red wine. Check your schedule and let me know what works for you! -- RDS (and my email address)

Will she respond? Well, I would. If she doesn’t email me back, I have her home phone number. I may have to call her!

Three Strikes and She's Out

I have been seeing a woman named Michele, and I thought things were going well. But she has not responded to two text messages I sent her on Monday, nor has she returned my phone call from last night.

I wrote to my friend Ms. V. to get her opinion on Michele’s unresponsiveness. This was her comment:

"Re Michele: Not returning calls and text messages, as you know, is very bad. (Not to mention really rude.) It’s more commonly found in men, don’t you think, than women, who usually have a much higher level of “connectivity?” If it were me (and it HAS been me! ;-) ), I would just write her off. If she doesn’t have the common decency to even shoot you a quick email apologizing for being swamped, forget about her. Wasted effort. She doesn’t deserve you, by golly!"

Shit. Deep in my heart I already knew that. But I REALLY LIKE Michele. I was hoping she would be somebody special. But her rudeness/insensitivity/lack of common courtesy is not acceptable. It’s time to write her off.

In fact, Michele is behaving like a man. After the initial attraction, she has reached the “is he/she really what I’m looking for” point of the dating relationship, and she has pulled back. She has gone incommunicado, and there’s no way for me to know why.

Oh, cruel, cruel fate! Oh woe is me! What have I done to deserve this? Of all the injustices served up by a heartless world, can there be anything more painful? This is the cruelest form of Instant Karma imaginable. Michele was going to be THE ONE! I was willing to put aside all other dates and focus all of my attentions on her. She was going to be the object of my affections, the recipient of all of my passions. I had already begun to construct the pedestal that she would stand upon when I worshipped her. And then she DOES THIS TO ME!

Yes, she is behaving like a man and I am reacting like a woman. But WHAT ELSE am I to do? She does not know the pain she is inflicting upon me. She does not know that I think of her dozens of times a day. I pick up my cell phone every 15 minutes to see if I have somehow missed her call, even though I have been staring at the phone the entire time.

Michele and I went out on five dates together. Count ‘em, FIVE. That’s enough time spent together to know that we were growing closer. Weren’t we behaving like a COUPLE on our last date? Didn’t she grab me by the hand and lead me through a crowded club for all the world to see that we were TOGETHER? Didn’t she snuggled up to me and kiss me and tell me she had a great time?

Then what, in God’s name happened?

I must call all of my female friends and spend hours on the phone rehashing every single moment and getting their fervent input. We must talk about every detail of our five dates. All of the time she spent gazing into my eyes as I regaled her with stories of adventures and humorous anecdotes.

We laughed, we ate fine food, we drank fine wine, we held hands, we kissed playfully and passionately. WHAT WENT WRONG?

Perhaps I should drive over to her house and knock on her door and find out what’s going on. No, I don’t want to appear too needy. That’s a definite turn-off. So maybe I should park my car down the street from her house and just watch when she comes and goes. It wouldn’t be spying, really. I just want to make sure that she’s all right. Maybe she’s sick. Maybe she’s slipped on the wet bathroom floor and hit her head and she’s unable to reach her phone to return calls or send text messages.

OK, my rule has always been three strikes and you’re out. I make three attempts to contact a woman, and if I don’t hear from her, I move on. But shouldn’t I make an exception for someone that I really like? Instead of three strikes and she’s out, maybe if I give her four balls before I take a walk? What about that? That would mean that I could call her one more time.

No. NO NO NO NO NO! Don’t be a goddam weenie. Suck it up and move on.

Babe Magnet Rule #17:
When a woman dumps you, get over it and find your balls. You’re going to need them someday.